Richness part 3
Went to the Toronto Islands with a friend and her friend and their husbands (Carl could not go) and our assorted kids today.
It was glorious; there was enough shade and breeze to keep it from being awful (we are in a humid heat wave thing) and we went early enough to leave before both the crowds and heat would have wrecked it.
Noah was a trooper although I do notice that at 5 some of his current developmentally appropriate traits are not…charming. Mostly he was polite and fun. Occasionally he came out with things like “Look at my CARS bag” which I find wince-worthy because we are so not like that, but for him it’s a big deal. But worst I think was when he told one of the moms quite seriously “I’m really fast, so you’d better keep your baby [toddler] out of my way.” Whoa boy.
Noah and I had both ferry rides to ourselves to bond and enjoy each other’s company though and that was nice. The one thing I miss most about working full-time is having LOTS of adventures together. We try for one every other weekend but it’s rather hit or miss, and lately, with feeling icky, it’s been more miss. Also, I’m enjoying this last summer of parenting just Noah. I have tons of plans to maintain some just us time, but I know a hurricane is about to wreck the best of intentions.
Also that whiny post I made - we are working through stuff and that is cosy and nice. I guess after 8 years you have to trust that you can.
Richness part 2
Today: Noah and Carl played Meccano for a bit and now Noah is playing Lego while I work on sorting out our (ahem) “backwater room” - the place outgrown possession wash up in the flow of our home. The purpose is twofold: Get the baby stuff a bit more organized, although it’s already boxed by size (but the small sizes are on the bottom!) is one. But the big one is that this room will eventually become my office so that Noah and the baby each have a room. We know the babe will be in our room for quite some time, so right now the simple installation of a change table and comfy chair in my office would do it. BUT long-term that will be where I will end up and I’d like to make it nice.
And it’s not nice. It’s a kitchen, although it doesn’t have a fridge or stove as they weren’t in our purchase agreement when we bought the house. For some reason people put the kitchen in the furthest corner of the basement - you either have to go through Carl’s office (the ‘bedroom’ of the bsmt apartment) to get there, or through the furnace room. It has a wall of cupboards and a sink and fluorescent lighting and a god-awful backsplash and hardly any natural light, just a small basement window.
So this is going to be a challenge. On the plus side, it was supposed to be a craft/art room all along (despite the bad lighting; we had Ott light plans) and I think even though it’s a bit small we can probably make it kind-of-both which will be good for my writing.
Meanwhile Carl’s playing WoW. And you know what? It doesn’t bother me. Partly ’cause it’s the start of vacation. But partly because this is kind of how our flow has developed; I do in fact do the organizing and I know I’m going to do it and I won’t say I never, even resent it but overall - it’s okay with me.
Also, he’s going to have to build a wall of shelves in there so he may as well rest now. Ha.
Richness of things
I have so much to tell about here and at my other blog (other blog: birthday party; here: work). But I’ve been busy and I threw my back out so have been moaning on the floor some. Ah, pregnancy.
But I had to tell about yesterday. Yesterday was Carl’s and my 16th wedding anniversary. However he was scheduled to work and so I went ahead and hosted this new thing I’m involved in (new to me): Wine Night. A bunch of moms from the neighbourhood, that I used to hang out with but lost touch with in the fuss of going back to work, meet up on Friday nights after the kids are asleep for wine and whine. Or iced tea for the pregnant and nursing. I hosted, which was brave of me as our house is not in fabulous shape.
It was a lot of fun. I just felt very - well - blessed all day. It might be pregnancy hormones too, I don’t know. But I went to work, had lunch with a colleague, chatted with Ell (Idaho), had dinner with my family, and hung out with friends.
I’d sort of put out to myself to be more social and it is working. It’s nice.
I’m off work this week and we’re hanging out here - going on a few day trips and dealing with some disorganization in the house in a calm slow way.
Nice end to the summer!
Shocker
It’s so weird when one’s (former?) BFF/girlfriend comes out with how much she thinks you suck since becoming a parent.
Parsing that kind of thing is hard. There has been tension for a while - the glamorous single life vs. the unglamorous drudgery of parenting. Plus a pregnancy. But I didn’t realize it went that deep.
There’s probably some truth that there’s been minor suckage, but you know - I kind of thought I was worth it. Also, with some friends I’ve been glacial about responding to things so if they came out with it I’d get it. But with this friend it’s like instant messenger every day. Except apparently on her side, half those days sucked.
Why is it people always hit you with this after you’ve spent 6 weeks nauseated and one with a thrown back - and after a kid’s birthday party for 20 kids + parents?
(The party went off fine.)
I’m definitely joining the wine/whine night with my neighbourhood posse this Fri. I think I’ll host.
Multiple parenting
I got ranty on a multiplicity community and thought I’d share some love here. Also I’m elated because I finally got the Google Maps out to the parents of the kids who are coming to Noah’s birthday party next week, a task on which I’d been procrastinating for err… 2 weeks. I can’t even explain why.
So here’s what’s surprised me the most about parenting as a multiple system.
1. The amount of parenting-related drama has been really, really low. I credit the therapy we did mostly for this, combined with losing Emily and the trauma of her birth. (Note: Not saying this was a lesson from the universe. Universes do not send message via dead baby.) Although there has been parenting chatter within the system (Lynn makes remarks she thinks she would like to make, but wouldn’t) really…it’s been smooth.
I don’t know why and if I did I would write a book about it. But it’s the most holistic thing we’ve ever done. Ever.
2. It’s surprised me how much we’ve been able to retain about ourselves, except for having a home where Carl refers to us by name. We have decided not to talk to Noah about the system for a good long time because we believe it’s unnecessary and might make him feel less secure.
But it hasn’t stopped people being themselves. And Noah has learned (subconsciously I presume) how to game the system a bit. I’ve noticed that when he wants boisterous play he starts by inviting a (Nerf) sword fight, which always gets the warriors engaged. And when he wants information he asks to go to the library - which makes logical sense, but it’s also JJ who takes him there and she’s really good at explaining shit. And I don’t think it’s quite so Noah-driven, but he and Lyr cook together and play outside.
What surprises me the most though is how close Lynn and Noah are, especially after his appendicitis. Lynn was so able to sit with him in that, totally accepting of his every feeling - anger, fear, sadness, pain. And she was the one who found the roleplaying game he still goes to when he’s processing stuff (it involves a house getting knocked down by the bad guy and getting rebuilt and then knocked down, over and over. Very Jungian stuff.) And they do a lot of musical things together.
I think we’ve struck reasonable balances around being careful with media and that kind of thing, but I also think we’re a little abnormally direct about some things. Like death…Noah knows how Emily died and where her body is and all that; he’s asked over time and been given direct answers.
Most recently, he’s learned how babies are made by reading a book with JJ that is age-appropriate in its illustration and language but also goes into quite a lot of gory detail - “special cuddle” between mummy and daddy, the penis helps the sperm into the vagina, ultrasounds, most babies come out the vagina but some come out with surgery. (It’s Australian.) This fits with the anatomical knowledge his school has imparted (”mummy, arteries carry blood that has lots of oxygen but veins carry blood that needs oxygen”). But it may have been a little over the top and slightly more driven by a need to be right than a need to be a good parent.
And we share a lot of jokes and laughs with each other as a family and when those moments come people do say the odd outrageous things. Like “your mom’s a fairy sometimes” or Noah knows I have a real sword.
As Noah turns 5, he’ll start to become more obsessed with peers and categorization and the way other people do things and I do wonder how this will sort out - and how we can support him.
But for now I feel like it’s gone really, really well. We’re keen to do it again with a different person. And out of everything we’ve done in our lives so far, I have to say that we are most whole (not integrated) doing this.
Oh. my. god.
…there is a BABY in there.
12 week ultrasound:
- no twins (PHEW)
- NT measurement a healthy 1.6 mm although we await the bloodwork
- good heart beat
- wriggly swimming baby with the CUTEST LITTLE HANDS AND FACE
I think…this is happening!!!
Yes, I cried.
Revelation day
I revealed to work that I’m pregnant - ahead of the 12-week mark, so I will immediately miscarrying (oh wait, Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet). It was time, both in belly-size and because my boss was in town.
I also have started a new blog. I’ve been facing a few online identity issues for a while now: Clearly I don’t want this blog, nor the Diary-X archives I have never successfully imported due to their insane size, to be proof that I have blogged, if sort of quietly in my own corner. And yet if I have to sit through one more “seminar” on “developing your unique voice on a blog” I am going to puke. I freely admit that I often run this more like a diary than a blog, but I do learn.
Also a few of you may have noticed, if you comment in communities I frequent, that I keep alternating my real/pro identity with mine here and hey! Adding a third option is a great way to keep everything confused!
And my true pro blog is not always mine to control or play with in a way I would like, not to mention I am only allowed to put two hours of maintenance of it a week on my timesheet. And I kind of wanted a more topic-focused blog in some ways - ok, an actual mommy-blog.
The true kicker too was finding Viking Dad and it looked like fun. So I’ve started a weird blog over here as WarriorQueenMom and a Twitter account and I’m going to play there, and you are all most welcome to join me there, or not, whatever you like. I’ll still be posting here. And I’m still “developing my unique voice” there (not yet as playful as I’d like, but then I’m not always as playful as I like) and it may not be successful. But, you know, I wanted you all to know.
Plus, I’m getting an absolutely irrational amount of joy and fun out of continually logging into WarriorQueenMom. It’s my own little multiple thing! Cleverly disguised as moderately clever! *cough* (You have to be me I think.)
And no, it’s not a money-making venture. It is a bit of a branding venture in that I plan to eventually use it as social media cred if I need to.
If you think these two topics are related, they kind of are, because I fear my work will restructure my position while I’m gone and I’ll need to be on the market.
BTW I am pitching a story about ‘net evolution and the Facebook thing if anyone wants to share their identity online woes with me.
Threats of violence I can get into
“I know I have to work all day today, but I checked the weather and I can mow the lawn tomorrow. If you mow it, I will shake you.”
(He wouldn’t, but hey. It’s true; I was eyeing the lawn but it is HOT and I am TIRED. Plus we have a lot of cleaning to do inside where it’s cooler anyway.)
Me = boring
I covered a nightclub event last night for work, which was sort of an energy stretch. (See doctor, get blood test, have early dinner to avoid the nightime “morning” sickness, go ROCK THE CLUBS. Sober.)
Anyways I discovered I am officially extremely boring. (Not that it was about me.)
I had fun going around interviewing people and because it was a *cough* specialized event most of the music was precisely out of my era or a little older, so I even enjoyed it and I danced some because no one can interview people for 5 hours straight in a nightclub and not end up on the floor at some point. (That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.) I learned that I have actually gotten pushy enough to walk up to people and interview them. It helped that media outnumbered guests for the first two hours, because my competitive streak propelled me to do what everyone else is doing. Or rather my boring fit-in streak.
But I discovered I’ve become really boring. Part of my interviews were with hot young guys (< 30) and some of them devolved into “true confessions of young guys” and a few asked me questions like how did I meet my husband and what do I like to do normally, if I cannot be met on the dance floor at a club. On the Internet and generally I can be found at home writing, messing around on the Internet, cooking, or sleeping.
I also discovered that although theoretically I find 28-year-old buff guys (and there were plenty) hot, whether it’s the hormones or some sea change in my personality, when any of them hit on me (and a good dozen did which was disconcerting, although given the nature of the event and the dearth of non-press women at it somewhat understandable; also, I need a hat with a “press” card in it) my first reaction was not: mnnn but OH MY GOD SPARE MY SON THIS HUMILIATION 22 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE. May he find a lovely girl his own age and not be at specialized events named for predatorial large cats seeking out the attentions of older women.
Not that it was really humiliating I guess. But seriously, I have a first trimester pooch, I was dressed sort of intentionally to ward off advances with granny shoes on, and I’m an old married woman.
I suppose I grew up in a still sexist enough society, or perhaps it was my own geeky dating adventures, but I pretty much have in my mind that the guys are more in control of their dating lives. But after last night, what I feel I learned is that there are a lot of lonely guys out there - with nothing initially/visibly wrong with them: nicely dressed, nice bods, jobs and degrees. And they are brave enough to go out of their comfort zone for a lark on a Friday night to suck up to older women.
So what the hell, young women of Toronto?
Independence Day
Well it wasn’t precisely on the 4th but Noah did spend the entire night in his own bed tonight - for the first time since he had appendicitis. Go him! Although one of us (*cough*) kept waking up after 2 am wondering if he was okay, since that’s when he would normally decamp for the big bed.
Also I did have my first baby dream. In it I had delivered the baby and then been sent home to rest as a new study showed that was best practice (with the baby still in hospital). In my dream I got home, realized the policy was idiotic, and stormed back into the hospital demanding that they turn over my baby to me right now.
Carl and I have been sort of not-talking yet communicating about what extraordinary measures we would or would not take in the 10% chance that this baby gets this blood thing. I suspect my subconscious just determined my position for me, which is, probably unsurprisingly, pugilistic in favour of the baby.