I have approximately 2342343 things to do. Right now it is hard to get the pieces of my life to talk to each other in any coherent way. This morning I got into that state that I work hard most weeks to avoid: Where I was about to absolutely lose it about chores and everything else.
Carl sent me to the gym to do a Bodypump class. It’s a Goodlife gym thing, where you have a bar with weights on it and you do lunges and squats and chest presses and things to music, and yes I belong to an evil gym chain, mostly because I signed up the day they opened memberships and got a super-cheap one as long as it’s continuous. So when bootcamp ended I remembered about it. Right now in my life, showing up to a fitness class is about the highest contribution I can make. I don’t have the will power to count reps or figure out what to do next. But I am happy to take orders, plus they have yoga Saturday morning which makes Lyr happy.
So I am typing because I got a bit ambitious, this being oh, my 3rd one (what? I was in Montreal…and then lazy…) and put the weights on a bit high and now I cannot move. Well, and I wanted to. Although I will have to move after Liam’s nap ’cause I am taking the boys to the science centre, theoretically. I may settle for walking around the local mall. But something ’cause it is raining and they are squirrelly; we were supposed to go apple picking this weekend.
I’m also running a baby 5k in two weeks in a marathon so it would have been a good idea to run but, as stated, it’s raining and I am lazy. I know I can run 5k since I normally run at least one run of 6+k a week, although I will you know, do that a few times right before. It will be great. But fitness…I am so freaked out by my body and stressed at work (now in the pleasant way like “I want this to work out”) that working out is about all that keeps me from spending more days like this morning. And hey, the class worked.
The re-entry from Montreal was hard for me. Partly it was just so fun in that adult way you don’t get often with kids, where you think “what would I like to do now?” and then you do it without coordinating 1321 moving pieces. Partly yeah I would like to write books. I would not give up my kids or my job, ever, and I love my boys to death and spending time with them right now actually is super fun but…yeah, for a bit I was feeling the burn that I cannot sit and contemplate big issues in writing and compose books right now. At least not without the massive coordination thing.
But also…there is something to that idea that you have to have some care in managing multiple relationships, in both senses of the word multiple here. And I lost my balance. In Montreal, Nicholas and I had a fabulous dinner Thursday…and then didn’t really connect like that again until 10 minutes before I had to leave for the train. From a certain perspective, the inmates were running the asylum in that without the structure of work/kids/chores/to-do lists, everyone kind of ran roughshod over me. As usual it was also more complicated than that, but I got very into the headspace that this means Something Is Wrong with him, or me, and I have been kind of sorting that out. It may be connected to the panic that my life is not always my life.
But also it’s that thing where you go and have a fantastic time talking, being, laughing, experiencing…away from your spouse. Coming back I just felt how much I would like to have that with Carl, and how both our personalities (introverted, in Carl’s case) and the crazy schedule of two-demanding-jobs two-children martial-arts-workouts-etc. contribute to us not getting that kind of time together and that’s even before the question of would we want to; I think a SF con is probably one of Carl’s worst nightmares, not because he doesn’t read SF — he does from time to time — but because of the amount of socializing. But I may be selling him short and I will ask him later. He has to work today, as he did yesterday and the two weekends before (Judy came to help with the kids while I was away, phew) and will next weekend which is Canadian Thanksgiving. Like that is the hard.
So I don’t know if we need to do that “go away together for a weekend” thing, and I doubt we actually can because of leaving the boys. But I would like to figure something out. I theoretically support Carl’s martial arts obsession but it does mean he is away every weeknight for at least two hours, and that includes Friday, and 2/3 of Saturday (that last with Noah). Which compresses the couple time we can even aim for, never mind everything else. Of course that leaves me online hangout time (thus the mesh of the two).
Oh, I don’t know. I see the danger zone but I have no plan yet. I am rambling and sharing.
I do know that parenting Liam is going to get much easier in a year (his potty learning has been stressful, not because of him but just…he doesn’t always get it; he did so well for a few days but then had a slew of accidents this morning, the messy poo-on-the-floor kind) and that things won’t always be quite so nuts forever. But stepping out of it for a few days, which was amazing, really made a contrast, in a way even the cottage did not.
So that was this week, there.
On the work front, I think we have found our groove. (So now we’ll get fired! Eek!) I am enjoying it now. It is a big ship to be steaming around the Internet Ocean but…I feel like I am now where I understand most of the moving parts and can bring them to bear. I don’t feel like I’m getting to the ‘spark’ bits where I do best quite yet, the extra bandwidth to create something really interesting, but I feel now like that may be possible soon. And that is what motivates me.
I’ve learned a lot this year about me-at-work (as well as Avalon-at-work) and some of it was humbling, like that it took me about a year to get here. But some of it was feeling how much ground there is under my feet now, mid-career.
Lyria and I are continuing to kind of not get along in something analogous to sibling rivalry. She took a chunk of time in Montreal (there was the search for kosher wine) and you know…really she has that right. But I find it stressful. Right now she has a painting project she wants to do (not like, this minute, but this month) and it is hard to give up the time or make the space. I am still glad she is finding her way back off the cliff.
Oh, the cliff.
I realized I never wrote about that. So have a coworker who was pregnant, not one I think we are that close with but still, we work together a lot. She lost her baby just after her due date to stillbirth and that rocked Lyr quite a bit. Breathe, breathe. And I guess I will put up with the project.