Rich in love #6 – way too much on parenting & time

If you, dearest readers, have not yet tired you are insane. But here is the last post in this iteration of the series. Then I can continue with my usual days. (Today we went to the mall just Noah and I and it was a blast. I had a latte (drink of yuppies!) . Tomorrow is the truly exciting day though because I am getting my hair coloured for the first time since fall 2004. At least if Noah doesn’t freak. Yay!)

First a shitload of some of the thinking I’ve done around this.

Here’s the thing. I don’t entirely buy the quantity (structuring every minute of the day around the child) or the quality (structuring in “really good” child time around competing demands of career and adult stuff) time arguments of child rearing.

We could go back and forth all day about whether “a happy mummy” is more important or a “child-centred environment” is more important.

[In fact they're both important and sometimes are going to be absurdly the same and sometimes are going to be in direct conflict. And although I think any adult can be really good or really bad at this, one nice advantage to being multiple is that having fought our way through our own competing/aligning needs and desires and goals, we at least have some sense of how to a) find joy in meeting the needs and demands of others and b) figure out when it is that something is really important to mental health.

Of course all that is an ongoing, flawed process for anyone. There is no One True Way. ]

Still. What I think any child needs overall (above and beyond basic, safe supervision; give me the credit of assuming the basics at all times:)) is for one of their parents or other caregiver to be tuned in enough at any given time to be available to their needs. (Within human standard; there are going to be days when things go wrong.)

Because, you know. Every kid is different and every day is different.

So, if a kid is playing happily alone – let them play! Do your own thing! don’t fuss over them and try to make every moment educational! So they learn to be okay with being alone! And they can get bored and be a kid!

On the other hand, if they’re playing alone and don’t -seem- unhappy or happy, check out whether they are actually happy or not and if they look at you with needful eyes, sit down. If they don’t, back off. Have a routine so that the daily life stuff – homework, playgroup, outdoor play, indoor play, teeth brushing, etc. – generally happen at predictable times so no one needs to stress over them.

Build into this some routine time for the adult needs too – date time, exercise time, whatever.

And then pay attention to know when to break the routine and find out what’s up or deliver extra help or extra fun or whatever.

The thing is, running a routine /and/ being tuned in takes a lot of awareness and being present. A Lot. It’s a hard thing to do if 20 million things are running through your head. I already find it hard to do and Noah’s needs are still rather incredibly basic in this regard – but they change constantly. Also, with a baby the communication is less clear than ‘MUMMMEEEEEEEE’. It takes observation to catch the rooting before the fussing before the crying.

So rule #1: Be as tuned in as possible. This includes knowing the stage your kid is at.

I also believe that kids do best as a part of a family. A family’s where you first learn to deal with other people’s needs and personalities and things.

And I think this involves a certain amount of age-appropriate participation.

So for example, I believe in taking one’s (rested, fed) children to the grocery store at all ages, so they gradually learn about food and budgets and the balance between needs and wants, and get some choice in picking out things, and learn manners and public standards of behaviour. I believe participating in house chores in a -positive- age-appropriate way is also key. I think exposing Noah to different situations (again, appropriately) like readings and art galleries and bookstores will be a great joy.

And I think, within very mild reason – right now, lying in a baby-safe crib for 4 minutes while I go to the bathroom – kids need the opportunity to learn that they too can give to the family. I really don’t mean anything crazy here. Just a very gradual safe slide towards consideration for others, too.

What’s more, I think part of being in a family is that you are always going to be surrounded by people with foibles and weird quirks who love you. So some families ski together, because that’s what they do, even if one of the kids isn’t totally thrilled with skiing. Hopefully not so obsessively that their kids miss every weekend birthday party. Some families play video games (hopefully well chosen ones) together. Some families go over to their parents’ for dinner every Sunday and fight with their adult siblings. Some families host cocktail parties and bribe the kids to stay in their rooms.

I personally believe that in the very good and understandable drive to raise kids as well as possible, some people forget that the best most rarified environment can also be very isolating. So your child only eats organic healthy food and participates in stimulating activity – okay, both those things are excellent if you do them too. But sneaking off with an aunt to eat a hot fudge sundae has its own value. Being allowed cake and ice cream down the street has value too.

Pretending that you only eat organic and then sneaking off to eat M&Ms just teaches your kid dishonesty and a kind of disconnect between themselves and the real people that are their family. In my opinion.

(Note that I am not talking about porn or violent movies or sex on the couch or something!!!! Have some sense! And also they aren’t little adults, but that’s a whole other post.)

So rule #2 is Don’t try to separate your kids out from the family. Let ‘em tag along for as much as possible, in the house and out of the house. And then when it’s not appropriate, draw a firm line.

One thing that we, Carl and I both, do in this family is mess about on the Internet. And like, I’m not sure that’s a great thing, and I certainly don’t want my 6 year old going in chat rooms unsupervised ever (or 15 year old but – err yah. AAAAHHH.) I certainly don’t think anything obsessive is good. But, it’s important to each of us for our own reasons. I could make the argument here for me that it keeps our system communicating (it does) and feeling connected (it does) but all of that could just be justifying a bad habit. It may be a bad habit. But even bad habits sometimes have their place.

The question for me really then, in regards to time, is how to reconcile #1 and #2. And I don’t always know. I do know how it works now.

It is totally different from how I thought it would work. When we were pregnant with Emily we had this huge master plan where I’d parent all day and then Carl would come home and take over /some/ days and I would go off into my office and write and also have internet time, and then on weekends again that would happen; we’d each have alone-parenting time, and together parenting time, and I saw internet time as sectioned off from parenting time. Of course we didn’t have a wireless network then. :)

But also it involved more equal parenting in that sense. That hasn’t happened, largely because Carl is responsible for a lot of processes that happen between 6 pm and midnight (and also seems to have to work all day most days. And oh yes weekends too often.) And this is kind of the source of some of my kvetching; it’s really felt like our life isn’t working right. (And yeah, Carl does get some play time but not enough because of his work, and mostly WoW ’cause he’s so burnt out it’s too complicated to do exercise or woodworking, and I still reserve the right to be Grumpy about it. :))

But lately I’ve been just accepting more that it is the way it is right now and riding it a little better. I think I’m adjusting to the parenting bits, at least, and not looking for the “when do I get 2 hours off!”

So.

I get up around 6 and nurse and stay up, unless it was a high-needs night or I’m extra tired, and then I sleep ’til 9 if Noah does. If I stay up I do house/life foo and then write ’til he gets up; during this series & sometimes else I blog, but my eventual goal is to seriously work on the novel in the morning, even if it means getting up earlier. Right now I admit I’m still rather precious about my sleep since I have no confidence I won’t suddenly have to be up 48 hrs straight or something.

Then I often turn AIM on around 10 or 10:30, after Noah and I are connected and stuff (if he doesn’t go down after his nurse, sometimes he has a nap now, too), and surf a bit while I drag the laptop around. He plays on the floor and I sit on the floor and have the computer nearby and type a sentence here and there; we dance around with it there playing iTunes, have a change, flop on the bed, visit the mirrors, type another sentence, whatever. This tends to be high interactive play. When Sass or anyone says that we’ve chatted all day, that means with significant pauses. And if things aren’t going so well, then he comes first obviously.

I can’t say I think this is the ultimate in childrearing, but I am telling you it makes me happy and feeling less isolated and like I have an adult brain to have the combination going. Also, I don’t obsess over his play, so he has some room to explore.

Often I do maybe 20 min of chores while he’s playing, in or out of a bouncy chair or slings depending on the chore. I talk to him while I do, and he seems to like it. I think babies like to be included. And I don’t really think parents should clean exclusively while children are napping; it makes it seem like the cleaning fairy does the work. :)

I nurse in front of the computer and type one handed some of the time. He still nurses about 8-10 times a day, with 6 of those being big feeds and the rest seeming to be sort of comfort sucks. A few select ones I still have in the rocking chair so we can really just be together, but some I type with. I figure with him nursing 4+ hours a day it’s a fair trade off.

While he has naps I either attack my to-do list (I approved the birth announcements! Yes that’s late but I had a Thing about it, like he would drop dead as soon as I did them, probably ’cause of the experience with Emily’s shower gifts.) or I write, or sometimes I just relax and chat. Like Mondays. (hint to someone :))

And so the day goes, unless we go out. I have been trying to get in the habit of going out at times things seem likely to happen – in the morning before a morning nap, in the afternoon after an afternoon nap. Because once spring hits we will have some playgroups and gardens and in the summer hopefully swim lessons and things. But only a few. Because I don’t want to overschedule us despite leaning that way.

But right now we’re still nesting.

He’s starting to consolidate naps again (yay!), so eventually I should be able to get more things done and have more of a routine. But up until now it’s been pretty unpredictable and so I haven’t tended to get into anything that is longer.

Towards the later afternoon – 4-ish – regardless of his naps, I tend to have a drop in my energy level, but he seems to gear up for being awake longer at least, if a bit more inclined towards fretfulness.

So this is when we use our Devices: he has a go in the swing, then we play a bit with him in my lap, then some time in the sling cuddling and playing with soft toys, then some time in the bouncy chair with his fine motor stuff and me chatting with him. In whatever order. If it’s a high needs day we might retire to the basement and hang out on the futon together. This is also when Sass gets home and we often have dates. Sometimes they’re short, short, like 20 minutes. Sometimes they’re longer. They’re pretty patient with one handed typing (no not that kind!) and pauses.

By the way, this does work because Noah is the world’s easiest baby. But, he is, so I am glad to go with the flow. I predict he’ll make up for it once he can talk.

Around 6:30-7 Sassy& head off for their evening life and we have dinner (out of the crock pot a lot, or I make it with him in the swing/sling, or if Carl can hold him with Carl) and then start the bedtime routine. Sometimes dinner happens after the bedtime routine. Lately Noah’s bedtime routine has been go down around 8, wake up around 9 or ten, go back down around 11 or 12, and I haven’t liked that much. But then he sleeps to 6, nurses, and sleeps ’til 8:30 or 9.

Saturdays we have our date, so Noah’s morning tends to be either with Carl if he’s not working, or slightly less interactive (more like the bouncy chair routine). Then the afternoon can be full-on parenting right through, since Carl (if he’s not working) doesn’t have the 4-6 o’clock dip that I do. Or someone will come over. Sometimes this results in personal time for me, although Carl’s still getting over the “oh the baby’s fussing; I will hand him off!” habit that dads seem to get into because mums have The Tits. And we grocery shop.

Sundays are kind of up in the air depending. If Carl’s working it follows the Monday-Friday routine with less AIM. Otherwise it can be any combination of chores, shopping, socializing, or hanging out. Whatever. But with an exercise class!

Now this is what works this week. It may not work next week, or tomorrow.

Some days it hasn’t worked at all and we’ve just focused on Noah, or my clogged tits. And there has been the odd day here and there – usually on a weekend when emotionally I feel like there should be some kind of break happening and when Carl’s worked so much I feel like I can’t even ask for a small thing because he’s overloaded – where I have not been as tuned in as I like. I’m not talking about feeding and diaper changes and all that – those are givens. But where Noah’s gotten crankier than he should have to ’cause I haven’t been paying attention to his signals.

I feel bad about those days and see them as failures really. What I’ve been doing instead isn’t as relevant as that I haven’t tuned in. It sucks. I hope they’re sort of adjustment failures and eventually it gets easier not to have them, but I suspect they come in some form forever – physical sickness, life stress, whatever. And that’s part of an imperfect life.

But oh I hate that anyway. I know I can’t give my kid the “right thing” all the time ’cause who knows what that is. But you’d think I could at least give myself. But some days – no, it’s been a little more mechanical and a little less me.

But – overall, I think we work it out okay, all of us.

What my week does not include right now is a lot of TV time, although some of those high needs days I do end up watching DVDs (and I am very glad for them). I don’t care about that. It doesn’t include any volunteering. I do care about that. And I am on true maternity leave, for which I am very grateful. I read about so many mums heading back to their jobs at 3 or 4 months, in the US, and I am awed at how they balance things because I would be finding it extremely stressful.

I figure the hardest period will be coming up around 9 months, because he’ll be obsessing on me, mobile, wanting to walk/do complicated stuff, but needing major adult involvement, and all those things, but not old enough for a few hours in playschool and that kind of break. Also he’ll notice more if I’m typing here and there. However, I also think he’ll eventually have more of a nap routine when I can say “I’m likely to be around at this time.” And I bet we can work out some other stuff.

I also still hold out hopes (expectations, even) that Carl’s job will settle down. Because Noah needs the dad time and Carl needs the Noah time. And that will free up a bit of my time in the evenings.

However.

What I have learned is that it doesn’t really matter what plans I make.

Carl’s job may be so nuts that I end up parenting 6 am – midnight every day and so I make compromises like I have. He could lose his job. I could not have a job to go back to. Either one of us could have to start a new job. Idaho might go back to school, making her time totally different, or start a new job with different hours. At one point in Emily’s short life, after all the plans for how to share parenting, we were staring down a life of making sure she didn’t choke on her own spit 24/7. I didn’t ever do that so it’s all a little bullshitty but emotionally I felt the capacity to do that.

Noah could need extra attention and time for whatever reason – and hey it’s not like I’ve done this before so I really know what to expect. I thought I’d be dragging him all over the GTA by now! Instead I’m lying on the same rug every day handing him his squeaky chicken toy and making up silly songs and it’s – surprisingly okay.

But I do know that if I’m tuned in, and we’re tuned in, our family – extended in traditional and non-traditional ways – can support him and each other, even if it also means instilling a few habits like “4-6 are quieter times for no good reason except that they are.”

And that is cool with me.

Okay. That’s it! Those were very good jumping off points. And I love the comments. But right now I am going to bed ’cause it looks like Noah did not wake up after 9. Which means he may be up in three hours aiiiieee. :)