Topic: Abuse-proofing

Tertia recently posted in her blog about letting her one-ish year old twins run naked among family members. When it’s hot and not a formal event.

It didn’t exactly surprise me, but it disheartened me how many people were quick to talk about this as “a risk.” As in, suppose a pedophile were present and saw these children naked. They might be moved to abuse them. What’s more, the children might be learning bad boundaries by going naked, at one and a bit years of age, and this might set them up to be easily preyed upon.

I commented in the thread but I have been meaning to write more here. I am speaking only out of my own experience and obsessions with finding out about the nature of abuse, so of course this is all opinion.

I was disturbed at the idea that any behaviour a toddler could exhibit, or refrain from, would be seen as part of the abuse equation. Like if only toddlers would keep their clothes on, pedophiles would keep their pants on. I think this is coming from a desire on the part of the parent to be right, and to be able to protect their children: if I just teach them to keep their clothes on, they’ll not attract attention from the wrong person, and will also absorb the idea that people shouldn’t look at them naked and touch them in inappropriate ways.

But what I think is this is misplacing the responsibility on the child.

(I really think that decisions about nudity are up to the parents; I’m not saying taking your clothes -off- prevents abuse either. But a shameful attitude about bodies certainly contributed in our family.)

In my experience few pedophiles who are good at what they do (and therefore don’t get caught) are going to pull a kid into a room and say: strip! Oh no. They take it little step by little step. They find out what the parents’ rules are and twist them. They leave the underwear on in some nominal way. Or get the kid to touch them.

They certainly don’t spy a naked child, get an idea to abuse them that they never had before, and go and do it because, after all, they were naked!

No no. They’re smart. They say things like “this doesn’t hurt you or make you uncomfortable, does it?” Which, by the way, will work a lot: once the child says no, and they will because of how it’s said, the abuser will remind them over and over. Probably until the child is confused enough to be quiet. Think this won’t work? Have you ever tried to socialize your three year old by saying: “you’re sorry you hurt Ted when you threw that car at him, aren’t you? Sure you are. Now go tell him you’re sorry.”

Mnn hmm.

The vast majority of young kids are not a match for that, not even with all the good touch/bad touch training in the world (not that I think that should stop; I just think in the child under 5, it is not much of a safeguard). They’re not meant to be a match for it: they’re developmentally wired to be little sponges and learn how the world works from everyone around them.

You cannot abuse proof a child. You as the parent have the responsibility.

So what’s a parent to do? Well, fucked if I really know. But here’s some thinking about it.

1. Stop thinking that if you decide to be careful around someone with your child that you are “judging” them or being “unfair.” As long as you don’t go around bad-mouthing someone or calling the police, you are merely making a decision about your comfort. This should take the pressure off that you have to be fair. You don’t. You are not the arbitrator of All Things and not letting your child stay over at someone’s house is not burning someone at the stake.

2. Don’t leave your kid with anyone because they are blood relatives, or “good people.” You don’t want good, church going, charity-supporting people watching your child unless you have personally evaluated their behaviour towards your child. Because guess what pedophiles do? They make damn sure that they are, on the surface, extremely good. Sorry for the truly good people, but they will understand.

2. a. If you want your child to “bond” with people, like family members, arrange your life inconveniently so that you can be present for the bonding.

2. b Don’t assume lack of goodness (sometimes called “honesty” even though it isn’t, always) is somehow a sure bet.

3. If you have decided someone can babysit, it might be best to leave your child in your home,where you will notice if there are extra towels in the laundry, etc. Come back early and without warning often, and do not knock. If you ever get a creepy feeling, even if it makes you the crazy lady/man, pick a new sitter.

4. If they’re old enough, ask your child what they did, what games they played, what they ate, and listen listen listen.

5. Watch for physical signs of abuse.

And finally:

6. Accept that you can only control what you can control. This is important not just to lead a sane life, but because if, god forbid, your child is abused, one of the things that will make it possible for him or her to both reveal and deal with it will be the understanding that they didn’t cause this by doing anything wrong, or forgetting to do something. And they can only really learn that from your attitude. We do so much, and then cope with the rest.