Mum angst rambles
All kinds of motherish thoughts today.
Changes
Yesterday Carl and I acquired a high chair, and packed away the bouncy chair and the swing, because neither entertains Noah any more. It’s safe to say we no longer have an infant, but a baby. And - it’s really fun. Those of you who told me so, I now believe you.
I still mourn the infant, a little: the closeness, the way we were still to some extent one, even with him outside the womb. But Noah’s taking steps now that clearly lead away - food that doesn’t come from my body; wriggly shrieking happy interaction with other babies and our cats; rolling away from me to get to a toy. And that is the goal, and I’m glad. When I spent those few days when we thought there was hope that Emily would survive, but knew she would never walk or read or any of those things, I tasted the reality of what a perennially dependent life would be.
But I still feel the passing of time, and it does seem to have been fleeting indeed. Half a year is so short. I said to Carl that I’m glad to be a mother in my mid thirties and not my twenties, because I’m a better mother than I would have been. But in my twenties the time would have been longer. Of course I would have appreciated it less.
I think babies like things relatively predictable. So I’m now working on re-jigging our routine and making some part of it more rigid. Lunch now includes rice cereal, so I’d like that to happen at about noonish, and bedtime already is set at about 7, 7:30 for the start of the routine, which works almost all the time. Breastfeeding is on-demand as ever, but that is reasonably predictable (but still, on demand).
He seems to be consolidating naps around 10:30 and 2-2:30 much of the time, although today he didn’t go down until 3:30 despite all the tricks. The third nap is pretty much gone, although now and then he takes a catnap around 4:30 or 5. I tend to want to go out in the early afternoon (when it’s not Hugely Cold like today) and he actually is okay with that, napping in his stroller. But does anyone have any suggestions for how else to structure days for 6 month olds? Given that we may have activities some mornings and afternoons?
And how, dear readers, do you handle weekends? Because around here, weekends are really crazy - sometimes Carl’s working, like this weekend he worked noon - 7 pm on Saturday, sometimes he’s not, and sometimes one of us tries to sleep in and sometimes not, and there’s shopping (or not) and social stuff (or not) and it seems that although we hit the major points - lunch, bedtime, naps - okay, it really does shake up Noah’s day.
Is that a good thing? I mean it seems to me in the long run it probably is to some extent, that he learn to handle different things. And he’s a pretty affable guy. But should I try to get Carl to follow my Mon-Fri routine or should I just let it fall where it does? Don’t they need space to work it out together? But if that results in a Sunday night meltdown is that an okay price to pay?
(This weekend it did not: in fact Noah slept 11 hours last night, with a very brief nurse at the 5 hr mark.)
Philosophies
I am shocking myself lately with how far I’ve gone in the attachment parenting direction. Not in an “everyone should do this” kind of way; just with what I’m comfortable with for Noah and us. (It may be Lyria’s influence; she’s much more around these days and that is really nice.)
Regardless of source though, I really am believing in keeping Noah close to me physically (even as he explores), especially at night, and as I posted earlier, I find that I’m really glad to have stuck with the breastfeeding. I’m not upset that we can’t take our kid to some hugely adult venue, but I am finding that I’m just - not going those places. I’m okay with being attached at the hip, right now.
I’ve gotten some vague flak from momgroup mums about often letting him nurse to sleep (nothing aggressive, just sort of surprise that I would allow the ‘bad’ habit) but for him and me, it hasn’t been a problem. I may regret it when he’s two, or something, but right now it works okay. And when he recently had that bout of waking in the night (which we may still be in, despite the last couple of nights) I didn’t think it was time to get all hard assed about sleep.
And I feel right about it for the most part: in my gut where I make intuitive decisions, I do think that I’m making the right choices for this child at this time, to the best of my ability, at least.
But it is that time bit that I wonder about a bit: in the end I would like to foster those traits in Noah that lead towards an ethical, disciplined (in the positive, adult sense of the word), socialized, independent child also capable of deep attachment and caring. I hope that this is the right way: making choices that seem right as we go along. But as Noah starts to demonstrate that he has a memory, I start to worry that we’re going to be too granola.
And I’m making my own baby food to boot.
Emily time
Despite the overtime drama not having resolved, I booked us into the Briars for March 12-16.
I think it’ll be ok financially, especially since I’m still carless (and lowering my expectations daily, although with Carl at work lately and it being cold I have felt a little house bound). It’s definitely not a vacation on the cheap, but last year I found it was a huge amount of luxury for the price - amazing food three times a day that you don’t have to have the “where shall we eat?” conversation to enjoy; pool, whirlpool, and tons of games like billiards indoors, and libraries of books in rooms with fireplaces and views and tea and coffee, and grounds and a lake for walks when it’s too much and we need to go out. And that’s without getting in the car.
(And a spa, but that’s extra.)
Last year it was such a nice place to fall, and they were pretty kid friendly (March Break inspired I’m sure). But also I think we really, really need to get away and breathe and all that. I’m really glad that we can do it.
It was also good I booked today ’cause the Toronto Star ran an article on East General and how the obstetrical department saved a mother and baby and rah rah rah them and it made me so mad and so upset and just - so - grr. And I need to make good safe space for that kind of anger. Every day, but also I think having that kind of family time will give a little more room.
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When our babes began to eat “solids” we feed them at the table with us..either in their car carrier (detachable one)seat or when old enough to, in the high chair. It became our tradition to always spend dinner time at least together. Now in their teens they still eat dinner with us. Dinner time varied a bit but was usually the same time each day. Weekends we’d make sure we had small nourishing meals ready for the young ones if we were going out together. Eating a small bit before had kept away the hunger crankies!
Once on solids our children breastfed less and we deliberately changed how often they did feed (adjusting a half-hour every few days till they were more or less on a “schedule”.
Children do need to learn to be flexible with their time/demands. Weekends are a good time to work on that.
Attachment parenting is good but can lead to separation anxiety if you’re not careful. Its good to have the child attach (as best possible) to both parents and a casual attachment to other folks who regularly appear in their lives (like grandparents). The more folks they get used to being around the better (within reason of course!)
bedtime…we began at six months to stop picking up the child during the night (unless extremely distressed). Instead we’d swaddle them and then if they cried out, rock them back and forth in the swaddle, rub tummies, whispher/coo to them. They soon began eating more before nighttime and had big “breakfasts” in the morning.
your vacation sounds wonderful.
nice entry
Breastfeeding:
I breastfed Evie until she was 16 months old. She was exclusively bf’d (no solids) until 9 months old. Then at 14 months, we went to nurse in the morning and before bedtime. I also did the “unthinkable” and let her nurse herself to sleep. Yes, it is a habit that is going to have to be broken once you stop breastfeeding but they are resilient and adapt rather easily. Now, Evie goes down without a fuss. We have our bedtime routine (change diaper, put on pjs, brush teeth, read 2 bedtime stories, say goodnight to the room, say our prayers) and then we put her down in her crib awake but tired, cover her with her blanket, say we love her and good night. She falls asleep on her own. Yes, it takes some time to get her into the habit of falling asleep on her own with some crying but I never left her alone in the room crying. Basically what I did was put her down and sit down next to the crib quietly. If she started crying, I made some soothing noises and reached through the slats to touch her hand face. Once she got used to that (about 2 days or so), then I would sit about 3 feet away from the crib. If she got upset, it was soothing noises only. Eventually, I worked myself out of her bedroom (about 1-2 weeks total) and now I can just put her down and leave. She falls asleep on her own happily.
Routine:
In my household, I found that a base routine is very helpful but to allow some flexibility. Evie never took naps at the same time during the day but around the same times. I allowed her to nap when she was tired and not when the clock said so. I feed her when she is getting hungry instead of focusing on the clock. However, morning and evening routines are important to us. This allows her to have structure yet allows us to be flexible during weekends or holidays.
Activities:
We had a bunch of things we played when she was Noah’s age –
- We danced to music or listened to a variety of fun, bouncy music
- Put toys just out of reach so she would get to them and she had fun trying
- Played with her fingers and toes, showing her how it is done
- Made rattle type things with bottles (which we got for a shower and never used) using m&ms, rice, other sounds and let her play with them.
- Took her for walks and to the park
- Sat her up and rolled a ball to her. Let her see if she could try to roll it back.
- Gave her plastic cups and taught her to bang on the floor or blanket or carpet to show her new sounds
- Played with some small toys
- Showed her books and read to her
At this age, everything is new and shiny so it is exciting! :)