And then my head exploded

Today was emotionally really really hard.

I’m not sure why. I mean I can pinpoint a number of stresses – the big one, rant-worthy for another day, is my trip downtown Friday and stuff around work, parenting, home, money, etc.  For me (Shandra) especially that’s a hard one. And then there was Father’s Day which, while pretty darn good over all (astral picnic breakfast, lunch with my father, dinner & dvd with Carl) was a little exhausting and… hard, especially, to see Carl go through what I went through on Mother’s Day, that space where our little girl is missing. Etc. etc.

But none of them really explain anything. It simply was a bad day, from the nightmare that woke me up onwards.  Noah and I both go through Monday adjustment and this Monday he was really missing his dad, and clinging to me, and then not napping.  And normally I would have had eleventy-one ideas for how to swing it – walks, activities, games. 

In fact my *brain* was saying these things, but my heart was heavy and saying “stay on the living room floor and try entertaining him with these Little People again.”  Then Lynn sat up to look at email and sure enough, there was someone commenting about me on a mailing list that I personally have not posted to in over a year, except for a singular apology to someone.  It’s a multiple list, but I guess there’s no distinction made, and well – I obviously did read that. So then I spent a while arguing with Lynn about could we please be done with it? Because I divorced the list for the Mrs. Doubtfire reason – I don’t like who I am when I’m with you – and I have been the better for it.

But of course she spent her precious nap time – that is our precious nap time – reading and posting. All 40 minutes of it. Noah was exhausted by the time dinner was over and fell asleep without nursing, and I worry about my poor boy when that happens. Especially when it’s hot. What if he isn’t drinking enough?

(See? That kind of day, where every little thing looms large.)

But it’s almost over. I’d be in bed, but in the mess of the day I forgot to either hang the sheets or put them in the dryer and so I’m waiting for them to dry.

Tomorrow will be better. The weird thing? I got tons of sleep last night; Noah slept 7-2 and 2:30-7. So you’d think it would have been a banner day.