I got my editor to agree to push the deadline for the profile piece even further back. This means I can actually reflect and rewrite and things – v. v. unusual for the deadlines I’ve been working on, although I hope to make it less usual this quarter. And it makes me very very happy. I’ve already done a draft but I see that some of it’s a little weak and I don’t quite have the right flow to it yet – I haven’t found /my/ voice as a profiler, ha ha ha. I needed the time to get a bit of space on it and I got it.
It’s hard to ask for that at my work because, not to bash anyone there too much but – they are not in a phase where quality writing is on the priority list at all. So it feels a bit like asking for time to do something they don’t think needs to be done. But it seems to have worked in this case. I did point out that the profilee is going to be linking to the article and that’s one reason to make it good. New audience!
It’s amazing how happy this makes me. I was talking about this a bit with S. at lunch yesterday but it’s coming together in my mind that I really am someone who is motivated by trying to get things done well and not just done. I feel a bit like I’m making one of those circular (spiral?) leaps of understanding about the way I work here – I used to be (eons ago) the person who flipped out that People Were Not Doing It “Right” and who would both judge others for it /and/ get frozen up in an orgy of perfectionistic bullshit. Then I entered a phase of learning to Quit Being Perfectionistic And Just Finish Damnit and then I went around those two experiences for a while.
But the last few months my job has been all about the zen of just throwing copy off and emailing it (not quite as rough as the stuff I toss into this blog, but not nearly what I used to consider writing) and that was good for a while, but draining, because it meant reading things once published and seeing “oh shit, I should have done x, y, z.” Which always happens but it’s a matter of degree – these were things that really one more edit would have taken care of.
It’s especially draining when one has the feeling no one notices the quality or cares. And now I feel like I might be able to reclaim some middle ground.
Bubbly me. The horrible/wonderful thing is that I had this realization in October, and then promptly forgot about it and let the schedule (and not having childcare) control me. But now I am taking it back. The only things keeping me from writing really good pieces are 1. time (ahahaha!) but 2. myself/fear/work culture. So I note here yet again that yes, I am happiest when I am at least attempting to meet my own standards. And it’s okay, now and then, to ask for a bit of time to do that.
Sometimes it feels like having a baby is like a bomb going off. For me anyway – starting with losing Emily – I feel like I’ve got all these pieces of my life that I am trying to fit into a puzzle that’s no longer the same shape. And this week I sort of feel like I’ve gotten an edge piece on on the professional front. It is possible to be a mother, work from home for a small number of hours compared to number of articles to be produced, and still make the time for something good.
