Consistency
So we’re just starting to get into the money-where-your-mouth-is toddler/preschool years. I realized we were hitting them this week when Noah came out with two things.
1. I dropped a milk bag on the weekend and it burst, sending milk into every corner of my newly-de-crumbled kitchen and I said with some emphasis, “crap!” Noah, delighted, said “cwap!” and I said to him, “That’s right, crap!” Then on Tues at DL’s place I dropped Noah’s shoe and he said “cwap!”*
2. Yesterday I put Noah’s sock on and said “there we go!” and he said “drweego!” and then proceeded to “drweego!” every accomplished moment of the day.
In other words, his modelling is getting more sophisticated now and I can see that he’s absorbing a hell of a lot of what I do, every day, and putting it into practice.
So I have been musing a lot on the whole area of discipline, both in its roots (to teach) and in its modern North American practice (to punish/enforce consequences/make rules). And I’ve decided that at this stage, where we don’t have any issues that aren’t directly related to developmental age (that is, Noah throws tantrums now and then, which is wildly appropriate for a toddler), my approach boils down to the idea of consistency.
Now consistency is much-touted in philosophies that I consider kind of punitive. For example, if a child does x bad thing y punishment will happen. Or, for example, that at bedtime you never ever pick them up. Or whatever. That’s fine, if that’s what you want to be consistent about.
But for me consistency is much much broader.
On the one hand there is the consistency of routine, which I am largely a fan of. I think kids operate better if they know that they will be served meals and snacks at regular intervals, and I’ve seen the miracle of not only routine sleep but actually reasonably firm scheduled sleep. Also yes, that if they get out of control they will be consistently corrected, however that is. (This week’s example: Noah started throwing toys at the cats, so I started taking the toys away when he did.)
On the other hand there is the consistency of good things. And this is what I think the hardcore discipline books lack, probably because they are focused on problem-solving. But for me I am finding that this is really important right now. Not just that Noah has consistent opportunities for fun and learning, but that I consistently ask him to help me, that when he asks for help it is consistently given, that his concerns are consistently addressed, and so on. Also, since his verbal and logic skills are expanding, that he is consistently told what’s happening and in some cases why.
Yesterday was a really good example of that for me: in the morning, after getting my work in, I was totally plugged in (just having a good day; it’s not always like that) and could answer his every query (”tat? tat? tat?”) and we were just - in tune. In the afternoon I dragged him through a series of errands that was definitely meltdown area and he did just. fine.
In the way that Noah had to drop toys one million times to learn that gravity works, his next few years will be (among other things) testing me and Carl and everyone else to see how this “relating” thing works. And increasingly I feel that it’s my job to show him that relating is not so much rules-based as it is caring-based.
I think the watershed on this for me as a basic philosophy really has come out of Emily’s death. Not only did that teach me a lot about control and lack thereof, and the difference between an issue with a kid (”he whines and is rude”) and a problem with a kid (”he is paralysed from the waist down ’cause of this fall”).
But also it really made me re-examine my relationship with the universe, as if all the multiplicity and abuse stuff hadn’t already. It is that guy in When Bad Things Happen To Good People who articulated it best for me. He said that after his son died, he could not believe that God was both all-powerful and all-loving. So he chose to believe in an all-loving God who was not all-powerful.
As a parent I guess I have decided that although it is also my job to exercise power - to create rules and reinforce them - that in moments large and small when to be compassionate conflicts with being perceived as the power in the relationship (which admittedly, is not all that often), I would rather come down on the side of love.
So at the very most basic, what I am aiming for is to be consistently caring, compassionate, kind, and present.
Well gee no wonder I feel tired!
* I have no issue with swearing, as evidenced in this blog. I realize this will mean some embarassing moments as Noah learns when and where to swear and when and where not to, and how to exercise self-control, and how to remind me of when I don’t, etc. But I don’t see swearing as any kind of moral issue and I actually think with my writer-brain that profanity has its place in human culture, not just in writing, but in relating. Although many people will disagree with me, I always picture many models of spirituality/holiness/prophets/etc. coming down from the mountain/out of the temple/away from the tree and saying “fuck! what is wrong with everyone???!!!”
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I had several meltdowns over the last few weeks that sent me running back to Siblings Without Rivalry and Kid Cooperation (Pantley summarizes/plagaraizes all of How To Talk in one chapter — v. useful). And it reminded me (a) that I’m terribly bad with consistency in this v. good sense that you mean; and (b) that I miss the early years when I was afire with learning about this stuff. Ironic, that, because most of it is geared to much older kids, and I read it when the kids were toddlers.
There’s a post in there about how mothering a toddler/preschooler was always my model for “real mothering,” and how I need to break out of that, but that’s far afield.
I think the swearing thing is probably turning in favor of your philosophy, and it doesn’t bother me terribly, although I tend to feel bad about it myself. Bit of a muddle on that one — or just hypocrisy!
I am so glad to hear that the fire burns out though, because although I do love the parenting stuff, it seems to take my brain over.
I would love to read that post! Err in appropriate dissertation breaks of course. :-)