The long slow glide

Things at work are… interesting.  I’m so torn. On the surface, and maybe if I weren’t such a… whatever I am, let’s say a veneer of responsible worker over the ego and manic behaviour of a tempermental creative type, my job is perfect.  I get to write, I get to bounce around on different subjects, and I get to work from home.  AND I get a paycheque regularly. So let’s cheer for my job and be totally grateful for it, which I am.

And on the other hand it’s like a black hole where I toss words in once a week and never. hear. again. about them, unless I go read reader comments which as any professional writer knows is a mixed bag.  I never get evaluated. My CEO said straight out at the seasonal holiday party that soon it will be “all free content” and implied that I am basically on the dole. And any standards I meet are purely my own, which I do not always personally find inspiring… I do at times, but right now with demands of toddler and home and garden, it is a constant inner battle.

As someone on some blog said, too, part time work sometimes is the best of both worlds, and sometimes the worst of both worlds.  This month I’ve mostly felt blah about it.

So yesterday I did what many people do when they feel frustrated about having to make money at a job they don’t love: I went and spent money! Yes, welcome to the consumer treadmill. I hit the Mastermind toys warehouse sale. Last year I went towards the end and it was a calm experience.  This year I went the first morning and I assumed it would be a little busier.

It took 20 min to get into the parking lot. At this point perhaps I should have just turned around, but I was already invested in my place in line, so to speak, so onwards we forged. It was insane. INSANE.  This is a toystore that sort of specializes in that intersection of yuppie cash and hippie desire to have fewer battery-operated things (although they, of course, carry some of those things too).  That is, the kind of store that is targetted to me, particularly on sale.

And I have to admit watching the cash was a bit scary.  I saw a woman with her son and they picked out one of everything Thomas the Tank Engine.  Now I admit, we too are on the Thomas plan (I bought a used Brio set and we are adding in Thomas bits thanks to granparent generosity).  I think the wooden train set is a quality toy worth paying for.  But seriously, we are talking about a thousand dollars’ worth of toys here, even at the sale prices.  And they weren’t done. 

I saw two grown adults fighting over a Melissa and Doug locks set.

And the line to check out – at ten cash registers – was over an hour’s wait.  (My mother was with me so we alternated standing in line and shopping/amusing Noah.)  I seriously would have left had I – well, Noah found it actually – not found the next toy of our dreams, at 70 per cent off retail.

It’s this Plan dollhouse, but with furniture included, and they had one set up, and it is really nice. Noah will be getting it for Christmas I think, so boom, everything is done for him except the stocking stuffers… and if he’s aware enough to ask for something specific, I guess. (Eeek! He’s getting into those years!) And yes, the Chapters site says it’s for girls: well tough.  I realize that he will probably play with it, then get the gender thing, abandon it for a while, and then maaaaybe go back to it.  But, you know – boys live in houses too.

(Besides, my evil plan is to call it “the Manor” and perhaps build a Batcave onto the back at some point… heh heh.)  

The consumer contagion was fierce though. I also was picking up a baby gift and I got an inflatable toddler bed for our trip out west this summer, so I had three items.  And the clerk said “you only have THREE things?” like I had sprouted two heads. 

This Saturday is my next consumer frenzy: it’s the community garage sale here, and the Sale for the Cure in the Beaches, and I am planning to go and get at the very least a pile of books at garage sale prices (yes, I know, the library would be better, but we do like owning them too), hopefully some outdoor toys for Noah, and other toys that catch my fancy as I see them (uh oh….)  Oh and if I see some nice china for cheap I’m getting that ’cause we are going to start having “fancy meals” with proper linen serviettes, etc., but we want them to be on china that is break-ok just in case.

I have no idea where I am going to end up putting all this stuff. And I am still suffering from next-baby-itis, that is the “save things for the next child” disease. Should I a) decide I can handle it and b) be able to conceive, etc. I have to admit that the older Noah gets the easier some things get and I can start to imagine maybe dealing with two.

Then I went and bought some plants too, for the garden: herbs and veggies and things. We’ll be planting them in the late afternoon today, when the sun’s a little less fierce. Planting is one of the things I can do with Noah and I hope it’s a lot of fun – it should be.

What I would like to do (after Saturday! Because I really do believe in buying used; keeps things out of landfill, etc.) instead of all this distracting stuff is slow down. I was talking to S. last week and she was saying that I should get a night off/out/etc.  And I was thinking about it and right now it’s sort of true that I am either a) taking care of Noah, b) working, c) taking care of the house/chores, d) ministering to some relationship (in a good way! but not totally down time!), or e) sleeping/eating/showering.  Maybe I do need some honest downtime. Not sure how to get there yet but… that’s a post for another day.