Two areas in which I am unspeakably frustrated. Enough that I am posting despite it being a little bit of a ‘dark moment I may regret’ post.
Career
Professionally, I’ve made some mistakes over the last decade. The most notable is that I threw a lot of my writing/creative energy into the whole multiplicity thing which was… probably essential for my overall well being. I don’t think I regret it. But if I had, say, put 80% into that and 20% into building a better portfolio outside my current job, that wasn’t like “wow, talented CRAZY PERSON” I would be in a much better place. So I am getting to work on that now. But I feel a bit old for it.
Second I think I am now making the same mistake over in that I am obsessed with being a good mother. I read about parenting all the time and I think about parenting all the time and I go about blogs and sites all the time… all of which for my dream job I will get might be a good thing, but otherwise it may be repeating the same. damn. mistake. I need to back off on this, or at least turn it into professional credit. Canada only needs so many Ann Douglases, but… anyway. We’ll see.
Marriage
I am breaking my rule here about not posting before talking, but it has to be said: lately my marriage just sucks ass. I don’t mean the love part; that part is secure.Â
But the actual relating? Sucks. ass. In my grouchy way I think that this is because I have to deal with two crazinesses all the time: one is the Varying Moods, Eating, and Sleeping Patterns, and Daily Life of the toddler, which burns me out.
But the second is Carl’s work. For those of you keeping score: after getting off at 2:45 pm on Sat, Carl slept until 5, spent an hour and a half with us, and then worked until 2 am. Sunday he slept until noon, went and got a hair cut, was back around 3 and then worked 7 pm – midnight. Yesterday he worked 9 am – 9 pm and then slept. This was a particularly bad weekend but it is not completely atypical.
And a normal workday for Carl is 9 am – 11 pm. If Noah and I are lucky, there is a break for dinner… maybe 2 workdays a week. A third workday maybe he gets the break after Noah goes down, if I don’t eat with Noah. (Conundrum: eat with Noah? With Carl? Eating both times has not been good despite attempts at portion control.)
He keeps saying that it will change… this time, maybe after August… but it’s been a long long time and I don’t know. I’m at a loss. It seems like when it was just him and me, it didn’t cost me as much to be flexible and have cosy time at odd hours or go out to dinner as restaurants were closing. (Or move to Ottawa… hrumph.)
But now with a toddler my waking hours are mostly not my own, and once Noah’s asleep, I am drained EVEN IF Carl is not working which is almost never. If I *knew* there was some time coming, I could reserve energy, if that makes sense? But I never do.
And that’s the thing, really, the not knowing. I never, ever know if Carl is going to be able to make dinner… come to bed… watch Noah…. It may not be as irregular as I feel it is emotionally, but where I am emotionally is that I have a complete barrier to believing that he can do anything. Like, I want to take a class, but I don’t because I can’t depend on his being there to take care of Noah. Or I think I should make a fancy dinner, but I don’t, because the chances are that he won’t be there to eat it.
Also… and this is only as far as I’ll go with this point I think, but it does come into play – someone who is working/sleep deprived like that just doesn’t really have a zest for life. So I have to do all the heavy lifting in enthusiasm.
And also I can’t count on a break, because the pager may always take it away. Sat morning I was supposed to get to go to the garage sale without toddler for fun and speed. Sunday morning I spent at my mother’s ORDINATION as a church elder (!!!!!!) which was completely triggering, and to which I had said yes only because I thought I would have, you know, a partner there.
And forget plans with friends. I just feel like I can’t make them, ’cause they will get pissed off if I break them. I can make plans with Noah in tow, of course, and am doing that. But even that gets weird because if I want to make a plan on the weekend, I never know if Carl will be available, and if he is I feel like I *have* to leave that time for him and Noah, since their time together is precious. Probably I am overthinking all of this, but I do.
But it’s also just that I sort of don’t feel like I have a partner I can depend on. To be there. Unless it is a huge emergency. I feel like I have a partner I can depend on… when and if he’s not working (which includes sleeping after the crazy overnight work is finished).
And the thing is… it’s not that he doesn’t try. He will go without sleep to spend time with Noah, and on Sunday when it was becoming clear that I had made a very big mistake in taking Noah, Lynn, Lyria, and myself to my mother’s church to hear how holy she is, he not only took Noah while I took a nap, but he and Noah washed down the front porch. Which is – highly unusual and wow, in that normally Carl does not have time/energy/thought to do those things, but also highly usual in that when things are reaching the breaking point, Carl always comes through in the crisis.
(Which is what he does at work too, hence the insane overnight crisis fixes.)
(Which does not net us any more money but that’s a whole other, if related, thing.)
I really don’t know if this is me being overly demanding, as I’m in a period of general malaise lately. But it feels really horrible lately. Maybe because I don’t have a calm workplace to go to, or because toddler life is sort of the same kind of ‘putting own needs on back burner to cope with latest child thing’ but I just am starting to feel like I cannot live this way any more.
Not sure what to do about it either. Any thoughts are good to hear as long as they are relatively kind and do not involve divorce lawyers, which for various reasons, is not an option. Mostly though this is a vent.
Gosh. I’m not sure who to feel the sorriest for…you, Noah or Carl. You are all missing out on something due to Carl’s insane work hours.
Is there some “punishment” for Carl if he refuses to work all those hours? Especially I wonder since it doesnt bring any additional funds for ya’ll to enjoy.
I understand your need to obsess over being a “good” mother, given the loss of your daughter, it makes perfect sense to me.
To me a “good” mother is one who loves deeply, which you do tremendously so (it shows! ha!). A “good” mother provides for the child in many other ways (play, health and well being, for ex) and you sure do those things.
I’m going to say you’re going to get through all this and come out blossoming because I sense a resolve and strength in you(all) that will not allow you not to get through it(hmm, hopes that makes sense. Words I’m not so good at haha!).
Advice: scream abit, yell a bit and love a lot.
Much, much empathy on the work schedule thing. I’m in a similar situation and it stinks. I get tired of making excuses for why he isn’t coming to event after event. I used to not make plans, just in case, as you said, but I finally gave up and started assuming I am a single parent, in essence, and can plan whatever I want. This may not work as well for you, so here is sympathy rather than empathy, because my husband works tons of hours but has more choice about them, so if I make afternoon plans to go out, he will sometimes spend time with us in the morning and then work later. Unless he is tired from getting up very early to work while the house is quiet and goes back to sleep after breakfast. Which he often does. Errrr.
In two years we’ll find out if he gets tenure. If he does, there will be a financial benefit plus a not-have-to-move benefit, plus hopefully his level of intensity will drop slightly as his fear of failure receeds. Is there any future timeline you and Carl can establish to serve as a reward for these crazy days? Because, wow, that is a terrible work schedule. And being stuck with a toddler by yourself. Wow.