Ahhh I get it now
Okay, I went to the highly recommended by a mother I trust, small, toddler to age 6 Montessori today to check it out.
And now, I get it. I felt that the place was inviting, calm, and child-centered. The facilities, while modest, were fine, with shaded and fenced nice outdoor space, good indoor space, and everything very clean. The teachers that interacted with Noah seemed great on first impression. Everything I heard was positive, even the stuff that is different from home. This place would be a big addition to Noah’s day.
So I get it. Finally. No other daycare I’ve been in - and I’ve been in a few - gave me that feeling. But now I get that there are some.
Even better, it’s within our price range - pricey, if we keep V. as I would very much like to and send Noah half days or something; totally reasonable if we don’t and just send him there full time. (In other words, V. is pricey :)).
I haven’t written a cheque yet ’cause I don’t have a job offer and very well may not get one. But I get it. This would be an amazing place. And if he doesn’t go just yet, I will find out how to reserve a spot for January and he will go then, ’cause this is a really good match.
So yes I get it!
Toddler life: toys in pictures
What does Noah like to play with? Well his number one toy right now has to be his trains. I picked up a pretty extensive Brio set used from Craigslist, and added in a single Thomas item - Thomas himself. Then his grandmother added in an Ikea train set. So the trains, we’ve got. And Noah loves them. He sets up track (more or less, not really coherently), crashes them, they have accidents, other trains and the tow trucks come to help, he washes the trains… trains trains trains. He loves Thomas stories too.
Next come these two which I find interesting. He is most happy - even apart from trains - when he is helping Carl or I with something. So I try to have something at every meal that he can help with, and I just move the toddler table over to where I’m working. Here he is “washing” (stirring in water) green beans.
Food is a big hit in any form though and this velcro and wood set that Idaho gave Noah, by Melissa & Doug, is his next favourite toy after trains, for sure - sometimes better, because it’s more like grown-up work. He uses the knife really well now and has started to cut his own food (with appropriately blunt instruments).
I didn’t take any pics of Little People but he is playing with them differently now - they sit and eat, they go to bed, and a few other little imagination things, as well as just the cool “they fit inside/go down the slide/open doors” thing. So go Little People, despite my continued dislike for their moulded accessories. We were at a garage sale where there was a ton of Playmobile stuff and Noah was in heaven there, although they are really too small for him. I did pick up a bunch at bargain basement prices for later though, so I guess we will have Playmobile.
And then he likes to “read” - usually not like this, but I found him curled up like this and could not resist the shot. That is a Francesca Lia Block he’s selected there. And he brought the pillows in himself.
And yesterday we tried fingerpainting again - the first time he didn’t like having paint on his fingers. He loved it!
ungh
I turned the work around and got it in… now (11 pm Wed), so gee, like, 15 hours before the deadline or something! In editorial time that’s way ahead.
Also took on some copy editing work for this weekend. Not sure why I was insane enough to do that, except my MIL is down to hang with Noah, and it’s portfolio building, and oh yes, will pay some money too which is always nice. Maybe I’m just reassuring myself, at this point.
More to say on things but… tomorrow. Am also touring a Montessori tomorrow, just in case. Still torn though. If they look at my work and say no I may feel like shit, but it may also be a big relief.
Don’t be pissed off!
Okay this post is full of angst. I apologize in advance to all parents who have no choice, or who have made any choices ever. That is, everyone.
But I really don’t know what is right to do here.
The parameters are that this job will probably not do much for our family financially in the short term - it’s about a wash to my current precarious position on a sheer monetary basis, once I factor in childcare and commuting - with dinners, etc., it may even be a slight loss, depending on what they ultimately offer, if they do.
It is full time, with the possibility of working from home one day a week, but really working. As a career move it is a very logical, sensible, good positioning step to continuing in the editorial realm. And so far I’m impressed with the people working there.
If Noah were three, it would probably be pretty much a no-brainer. I’d've tried him in a Montessori or something part-time and would know how he was doing (probably fine) and the shift to full time wouldn’t be so hard. Or I would have learned that he has a hard time relaxing in groups and would know it was a no-go.
But Noah is not quite yet two and I am really not sure what is best for him. Our nanny is good, and I might even be ok with having her watch him almost full-time, except that this job won’t really cover that, money-wise (she would be paid something like $2500/mo). I am not confident that I can find a good daycare, evaluate whether it’s really working once I’m invested in a new job, and basically just flipped out that it will be bad for Noah. I know he’s a trooper and can cope. I just want a bit more for him than coping.
So why am I not happy to just say no? Well I like this job. I like working. And I am worried about my future employability if I stay out of the job market.
Complicating that, I just this half hour got offered some more work I could take on top of my current work, to do at home, giving me a bit more employer-mojo than my current scary situation (although it is very, very temporary). Which sort of seems like a ’stay home’ message from the universe, the same one that is holding out this job. And yes, all these things (given that I have not gotten the big job yet) sort of speak to my employability.
But basically I am caught between two fears: that I will never get paid decently again, and that Noah will get messed up going to daycare.
I have made worse decisions in my life (see: Emily) but this one has got to be in the top ten. Most of the moves I’ve made in life have been, I guess, mostly about me, and that has been pretty simple - if a job sounded good and was offered, I took it. Now it’s not just the job, it’s my son’s life. Somehow. Some of his life anyway.
The hard thing is, I see that he really will be ready for this - later. But right now he’s two, and his world revolves mostly around me. And changing that seems really horribly major to do because “I like this job” no?
I am NOT judging other people. I’m just saying I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do!! Gah!
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!
Made second round of interviews. Must now demonstrate actual skill and talent, such as they are, by doing actual work before Thursday (I love smart organizations that actually make you show what you can do, even if it is nerve wracking).
Even if I get eliminated in the last cut (noooooooooooooo, that will not happen, will it?) I am really stoked to have made it this far this time.
(And dear god, emailing on Sunday… that’s web people.)
Glad for Monday
I’ll be so glad when it’s Monday because there will be a chance that I will hear about a second interview, rather than just waiting. I hate waiting. I am not a patient person, but especially not about this job. If the answer is no, I’ll be relieved to stay a mostly-at-home mum, and if it’s go on to the next round I will try my darndest to get it.
‘Cause I do want it, I think. I really do wish there was a way to warp time though so I could work full time and be home with Noah. And having said I want it means I won’t get it, I’m sure (sorry… years of therapy to get out of this idea all laid to waste when Emily died.)
We have had a pretty lovely weekend though. I have neglected housework and shopping and all that in the name of a) hanging with Noah and b) hanging online, and I feel refreshed for both of those things. I think after this nap we will head out for some family time all three of us, and get dinner out so no cooking or dishes, and then the week will begin, ta-roo, ta-ray.
This week I am going to try to post on:
- the toy situation
- pick up on Avril’s wise comments
- sleep
But for now I’m going to go read an old NY Review of Books, until the nap ends. The one with Joyce Carol Oates’ piece on Roald Dahl, which I have saved to savour today.
Interviews, interviews
See now that I’m not doing the Secret I can actually write about these things - I was scared before that I’d write something negative and bugger it up.
I think the interview went pretty well! I wouldn’t say I blew it out of the park - I got blabbing high level editorial stuff with the editor and then stumbled a little bit when the actual boss, web director, asked something totally technical. It’s annoying to have that replay in my head, plus the fact that as usual I didn’t ask enough questions about the actual job (not pay etc. but how the job works) - although that’s easy enough to address in a second round, should I get there.
The siren call of the calm and beautifully appointed reception room overlooking the street, the well laid-out office/cubicle (but the wooden sort, not the plastic sort) floorplan, and the spiff laptops all called to me, I have to say, but what got me the most was some info I can’t really ethically share but has to do with how great a channel this thing could be. In other words, something related to the job itself. I’m thinking if it’s offered with the flextime they mentioned (one day/week @home) I might take it. Sadly the salary would just about cover costs really - transportation, childcare, lunch now and then, and so on - but childcare costs will go down and it’s more about positioning than money. Although more money would be nice.
So overall first impression: yay job! pretty-much-yay me, although not my bestest interview ever, and I think it entirely depends on who else they were interviewing, and that, I cannot know.
Thank yous & survivorship
Thank you lovely readers for the advice, support, and comments. I love them a lot! Today’s life balance issue is finding shoes for the interview, which is a nice break from angsting. I have emergency childcare lined up if things move fast and good leads on longer stuff, just in case, but I am also wondering if I cannot just tough it out another year to be sure. First to find out if the job is a match.
~~~
On a board I will not mention that is totally addictive someone idly asked ppl to sum up the major events in their lives that influenced them in who they are today. I actually couldn’t post mine ’cause this board frequently calls “FAKE!” which I love about it, but I knew I’d get it and I didn’t feel like it.
It has put me not so much in the dumps but in an odd state of big picture thinking here. Let’s see. I was a gifted kid with much of the baggage of that - bad social experiences in elementary school, slightly off kilter high school, weird procrastination issues in university. Was molested & abused, ritually, and raped, and have parents that are narcissistically oblivious to many things. Went to amazing empowering camp & thrived there. Met and married former lay monk. Worked in social work and then in web media. Am multiple (but would never have posted that, ’cause, you know, it’s sort like saying you have a unicorn, in some circles). Had several (ok, 7) miscarriages. Am polyamourous by nature if not really by lifestyle. Had a daughter, who died. Keep procrastinating on finishing novel and book.
It starts to sound really crazy doesn’t it?
Life balance issue tonight!
Grr. Just grrr. I booked a night out for the first time in forever but to no one’s surprise Carl had to work and I am stuck home, ’cause Noah would not sleep, and now it’s sort of late to get my ass downtown esp. as Carl cannot really get up if Noah does… and he might ’cause he’s a bit overtired.
It seems ridiculous to hire a sitter for while Carl’s home but next time I guess that is what I’ll have to do. Sigh.
In other news in my real life persona (it really is a persona, what with the multiple thing, sometimes) I have succumed to Facebook and I’m actually kind of liking it. Which is, I think, perhaps, a pathetic statement on my actual social life. I’m not the greatest maintainer of friendships on a weekly basis, so all the friends I have kept from high school, university, and other misc categories are people who are either like me or have a high tolerance for people like me - people who are always glad to see someone, but who suck ass at picking up the phone semi-regularly. I do best when there is some kind of rhythm or shared activity or something. Left to my own devices I tend to get into this kind of thinking:
I can’t call now… it’s dinnertime, maybe.
Well now it’s too late.
Well I didn’t call on Saturday and Sunday is sort of family day…
Shit! I didn’t call last week. I’ll call as soon as I finish these dishes…
You get the idea. Still, I am a little disgusted with myself for enoying Facebook so much already. The other thing is my friends never really intersect and now they sort of are, at least as a collection on my FB page, and that’s kind of cool. Now I just have to GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE WITHOUT A TODDLER IN TOW.
Harumph.
On the plus side my playgroup, the weekend one, continues to be a blast. We’re actually getting realer with each other and that is a good thing.
~~~
I tried not dieting exactly but not eating whatever I felt like this week and immediately lost 3 lbs, so I guess breastfeeding is still taking it out of me. (Note that I still have 20 lbs to lose.) I was all triumphant until last night, when I woke up with horrible cramps in my calves, the likes of which I have not had since - oh - 4 months pp. (Had ‘em through pregnancy and up to then.) Obviously I’m missing some nutrient and I popped vitamins this morning. But it could also be an excuse to just wait until he’s weaned.
~~~
I need shoes for my interview. What are the chances that the foot injury I had was actually the pinched nerve in my back that is still keeping me from running? Just a rhetorical question. :-)
Life balance issue ahead!
So I think I definitely did not get DreamJob, but things at my work remain unstable. I saw a job posting that definitely matches my resume, is with a big media corp (freelance to start, possibility to be brought into the corporate fold), and I had my package ready other than tweaking the cover letter, so… at 12:15 today I sent it over.
As of 4 pm I had an interview, at the end of next week. Eeeek. My competitive streak is such that I will go after the job. But the question is really, what do I think of going full time?
Not sure. All things being equal, I would wait another year at least. I can see Noah gaining in independence and I feel relatively sure that group daycare would not hurt him terribly. And yet… and yet, I would much rather ease him in slowly over a year, and preserve these days where we can follow his lead.
Also, I may have bitched a bit that Carl’s work is insane? How in heck could we balance two full time jobs? Of course single parents do, so there must be a way. I just am not completely confident I am that competent.
On the other hand, I am 36, and I need a broader and smarter resume if I want to continue to climb the editorial food chain. I am not always sure that I do, though. That’s the weird thing about me (us) - in my mind, I am a rebel freelancer moving from gig to gig. In reality, I really really really like it that a paycheque comes twice a month for the same amount each time. Plus then there’s the whole MFA/novel writing thing… sigh. Did I mention they emailed me again too?
But of course this is merely an interview. And so I will go and do my best. I have to admit that getting the interview was already a boost - I can live with a 25% success rate much better than a 0% success rate on the cover letter/resume package.