Thank you lovely readers for the advice, support, and comments. I love them a lot! Today’s life balance issue is finding shoes for the interview, which is a nice break from angsting. I have emergency childcare lined up if things move fast and good leads on longer stuff, just in case, but I am also wondering if I cannot just tough it out another year to be sure. First to find out if the job is a match.
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On a board I will not mention that is totally addictive someone idly asked ppl to sum up the major events in their lives that influenced them in who they are today. I actually couldn’t post mine ’cause this board frequently calls “FAKE!” which I love about it, but I knew I’d get it and I didn’t feel like it.
It has put me not so much in the dumps but in an odd state of big picture thinking here. Let’s see. I was a gifted kid with much of the baggage of that – bad social experiences in elementary school, slightly off kilter high school, weird procrastination issues in university. Was molested & abused, ritually, and raped, and have parents that are narcissistically oblivious to many things. Went to amazing empowering camp & thrived there. Met and married former lay monk. Worked in social work and then in web media. Am multiple (but would never have posted that, ’cause, you know, it’s sort like saying you have a unicorn, in some circles). Had several (ok, 7) miscarriages. Am polyamourous by nature if not really by lifestyle. Had a daughter, who died. Keep procrastinating on finishing novel and book.
It starts to sound really crazy doesn’t it?
Not in the least crazy. Not to me.
It sounds like a lot of heavy things happened that were not in your control. It also sounds like you developed a superior set of coping mechanisms that kept and keep you from going crazy, but still keep you interesting.
You might be able to run out the procrastinator by doing her deliberately (sort of a co-conscious thing). For one thing, when you do her, it’s different to her automatic, obliviating behaviour. For another, when you deliberately and consciously procrastinate on the book/novel by putting up other priorities, a sort of time-frame comes up with that permission. It also helps with the self-recriminations of the critical commentator.
When the procrastinator runs out at the end of that time-frame no other priority weighs as much as what you really want to do – which I’m assuming, is your book/novel. Love to hear your feedback on this.
Are you putting down notes on the book/novel when they occur to you? Good for keeping them alive in the back paddock. while you’re doing all the stuff out front.