I’m digging out my office a bit – yes I work there already, 15-20 hrs a week, 10 of which are nannied and therefore I am pretty much locked in there. And yet there is always a heap of things in there related to Noah – toys I am taking out of rotation for a bit, toys he’s not yet ready for (the Playmobile fiasco from the garage sale, random gifts), presents I have picked up for other people, and anything I sweep out of the house if someone calls to be just “dropping over,” like half-read books.
As I’m doing that (Noah is enjoying some of the Playmobile despite the small pieces while I am standing right there) lots of little things start to come back to me. I packed this office up alone, half before listing our house and half before moving, while Carl was almost a hundred per cent in Ottawa. This furniture, custom designed by Lyria, created by Carl, and painted by me – just after returning from my disencorporation – seems too small now and I’m considering using the months I will be freelance to buy new furniture, since some of the cost can be charged off. Although really I probably can’t afford much, but then, there’s Ikea.
And it occurs to me yet again that I haven’t actually worked full time in an office since Emily died. I went back part time after that, and then arranged that whole work from Ottawa thing that became work from home after having Noah. It will be a big adjustment. And at the same time I sort of feel like I am coming more online; more alive.
I think it’s a question of believing that I can handle it. After Emily died there were a few reasons for not going back full time. Wrote most of a novel (oh poor languishing novel) and then when Carl’s job in Ottawa became pretty permanent travelling up there – and packing, repairing, and painting the house to sell it mostly on my own – was my “other job.” Noah’s pregnancy was dreadful – I was depressed, sick, tired, and miserable, and during that time we moved into this house. Then all the newbown stuff, the negotiating with work, trying to work without a nanny. Getting into having a nanny. Taking on more work.
I think in many ways despite the family peace we have had since Noah has been hale and hearty, I have been “on pause” – waiting for life to start again.
Maybe this is it, despite the craziness that is going to ensue. I still have so many fears, most of all that Noah will lose out on some critical need. But at the same time I feel like I am regaining something pretty large. I hope. I hope this is not just the next chaos.
