What I want an apology for

Haillie: Maybe I haven’t done a good job of expressing this so I’ll try it.

My parents were at the school for 45 minutes.

In that time they decided that it is a “Japanese mind cram” and not only the wrong place for Noah, but that the staff is cold and uncaring, the kids are too quiet, and that Noah’s personality will be ruined forever. They implied that we care more about Noah being smart than whether he’s happy. Then they asked us what our Plan B was and made the statement that although they are “glad to brag about your [my] job” that clearly it is not working and I should stay home, or let them be the babysitters.

In the first phone call my mother said “we love you but…” and then burst into sobs.  In their visit, she cried most of the time. My father is the one that came up with the lovely mind cram phrase as well as a few other goodies. 

I’m not sure where the disconnect here is, but that is totally rude and overblown on a number of levels.  If they had come in and found someone hitting him or with their hands down his pants, all right.  But this is that a) Noah was quiet and a little spacey, and then cried when they set him back down (which could be anxious, could be tired, could be teething – and could be terrified, yes, but only one possibility exists for them. I should note Carl was there 15 minutes before and said Noah cried, and then stopped and went into the class.) and b) as I said, they didn’t like the school for whatever reasons – which again, I can only get out of them in overblown language. Also:

• they were there for 45 minutes; we visited the school 6 times before we enrolled Noah, and we have been there every day
• they never once asked a question like, ‘did we think this might be a problem…’ etc.  Their assumption is, as always, that because they were uncomfortable, the place is terrible.
• Their language is completely overblown. Noah is not “upset” he is “terrorized.” The place is “quiet like a tomb.”  Etc.

Now, there is always a possibility that between the hours of 2 and 5, when we have dropped it at any time, it is a nice place and that earlier than that it isn’t. But I kind of doubt it. I think if they were putting on a show for parents, they would certainly extend it for grandparents for 45 min or an hour.

Perhaps you have to be here to understand but they have been on the phone gasping and sobbing and complained that they could not sleep or eat thinking about Noah in that horrible place. 

If you don’t get why that is insulting, then I probably cannot help you there. However, I have talked to family members about situations I thought were unsafe in the past and I can tell you that I approached it very, very, differently.

It’s not that I don’t want to hear what happened. It’s that I don’t want to be in a tidal wave of “THIS IS HORRIBLE STOP IT NOW” when the things they are freaking about are not universally bad things.

The quiet is a good example. This is not fair to you of course (but they know it), but something I haven’t discussed is Noah’s hearing. Noah has extremely fine hearing – he can hear trains and trucks approaching and birds and dogs and things way before either Carl or I can, and he imitates a lot of things pretty perfectly (which is partly age related, but he is pretty exact on it.) He hates loud things and complains about them and puts his hands over his ears even if, say, at my parents, the TV comes on at a normal volume.

So one of the reasons we picked this Montessori is that yes, there are only 26 kids, the space is well divided into smaller rooms, and it is generally quiet in that area (the kids go and shriek outside, and in the winter will have a gym).  So freaking that it is quiet, is a bit weird. A better way to approach it would have been “don’t you think it is too quiet?”

And I guess here’s the thing you have to be me or have been married to me for 13 years to get… that is the thing about my parents. My opinions exist only in subservience to theirs. I am not allowed to have different feelings from my mother, and never was growing up. (My mother would frequently, and still does, say things like “you say you’re happy about this, but you’re not, I can tell.”) 

So because they thought it was horrible, they expected me to pull Noah out that day. And I didn’t. So they came over here to make that happen. And Carl and I didn’t. And so far they are not talking to us.

This is how it goes with my parents. Their (and I lump my dad in, because he literally feels whatever my mother tells him to feel… literally, he will say “I don’t know what to feel about this” and my mother will tell him “you feel angry.”) narcissism is complete. Now that they have decided that the school is not a good place, Carl and I can either conform, or be bad parents. There isn’t any in between.  If some appears, it will be the first time.

As for whether it’s the right place for Noah, as I said, the jury’s out. What we see is that he cries at drop off, until the door opens to the actually classroom, and then he goes in. He tells us daily that he doesn’t like school, and lately he’s added that he cries there.  He also tells us that he painted and he liked that, that he liked the blocks, and a few other things. 

When I pick him up, my main concern is that often he is sitting on a teacher’s lap. Maybe that is ’cause it’s not the right place. Maybe it’s a long day for him. Maybe he’s still adjusting. I’m not sure yet. Then he sees me and he rushes at me wailing, wails for about a minute, and then lately shows me things (before that he would say “Noah home.”) His behaviour the rest of the time is fine.

The mom I know checked on him today when she picked her daughter up and said he was playing with one of the works on the mat.

Maybe I will add to that – I have shared all that with my parents and other people. All the sane people I know have said “sounds like he’s still adjusting” and given that he had 10 days of camp, a week’s break, and has now had 7 days of school, that’s not unreasonable (he goes 4 days a week, but his first week he went two, and last week labour day made it a three day week, school-wise).

So it remains my feeling that it’s too early to tell. 

It is a huge adjustment - there are 5 other kids in his room, and total there are 26 including him, and he’s been home with me his whole life, except for V’s 3-4 hrs a day. He’s never napped in a cot or eaten with other kids or any of that stuff. 

So although I feel a total obligation to listen to my parents, I think that given that he’s really had 17 days of school, their reaction is totally over the top.