Today I bought my lunch (decadent and disorganized!) and the fast-lunch-counter-server-person asked me if I wanted to make a $2 donation to the Sick Kids Foundation.
This one charity will always have a hold over my wallet now, and I always say yes and I always sign the little tree-wasting doohickey they plaster all over the walls “Emily Hope.”
For someone who only lived 4 days, she made a lot of change in me. I am a much different parent than I would have been in many ways. I am much firmer about some things (this whole bus thing at Noah’s school, for example) and much more lax about others (sleep in a big boy bed? Sometime before he’s 7 or 8 would be nice). I don’t know if the sum is that I am a better parent, but I am a parent more focused on life and death issues. The times that Noah was up all night she had given me the gift of appreciation that he was just alive and breathing, and I think that truly was a precious thing.
She gave me the present in a way I’d never had it before. I sometimes worry about Noah’s future, but then I freak out a little and shake myself back to today, enjoy TODAY because you simply do not know. This too has its dark side but overall I think it has made me more present, more aware, and more thankful.
Still, I cannot help but stare at little girls about her age, especially if they have brown hair. I find it hard to walk past the rows of cute girls clothes to get to the boys. It is so clicheed but so true: I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think of her in some way. It still hurts. But I wouldn’t not have had her for the world.
i can’t pretend to know what you went through with Emily. It makes me very sad to read her story. But, like you, i also have my own personal loss & a special feeling this gives me when i give to my special charity. i think you are incredible for donating to Sick Kids Foundation.
Noah looks beautiful, & i wish you the best with your son ! Thank you for letting me read you.