This one’s a hard one.
Still more gratitude to come. Really. :)
But this is on my mind this week. I realize it may seem tedious as readers but my grief is an ongoing cycle so - deal, or skip, or whatever.
So there’s this ongoing scandal-now-inquiry in Ontario and Toronto because a pediatric forensic pathologist basically went is alleged to have gone completely off the rails for years. The main focus of the inquiry is that it seems like his erroneous interpretations of evidence that in some cases, didn’t exist (or in others, that he suppressed) led to people being convicted. Horribly. Like he said a girl had been sexually assaulted and died; her uncle was jailed - it turns out she probably died due to a medical condition. Horrendous. I’m not suggesting that anything I’m about to say is anything on that magnitude.
My understanding is that people eventually figured out that he was off the rails, or at least suspected it, and he was largely removed from working criminal cases (that they didn’t blow whistles is disgusting, again, my interpretation). The thing is, he remained on staff at Sick Kids for years after that, and was a big member of the “Under Two” committee which investigates deaths under two.
Like Emily’s.
And the thing emotionally is that in my mind and our minds, we had given Sick Kids this trusted position. And I do, intellectually, believe that the neonatal icu staff earned it. And I did, myself, see the scans they did on Emily. I also saw her having seizures and not responding and those things, although she was pretty drugged. Intellectually I know that chances are very very high that we got the right information and that there were no crazy, fucked people making wildly incorrect assertions at us.
But the fact that at the same time and investigating the same thing there was this really crazy - and some of the unproven assertions made at this inquiry are batshit crazy - pathologist there drawing his salary at the same time is very very emotionally disturbing.
To put it bluntly: Carl and I made the decision to take Emily off the ventilator on the professional information, interpretations, and advice of these people.
And on the news every day there is more about this out of control insane guy at the same place. Who was involved in her autopsy. Being completely wrong.
It is really really upsetting. I want to take a blowtorch to the entire system at this point. And yah that’s a good reason to hit the gym.
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One of the weird things about this is that it makes me doubt Noah’s health. I think it is because East General fed us what I still think was this line that there must have been something wrong with Emily’s heart, and that is kind of one reason we got an autopsy. And then Noah had this heart murmur. And well, you just wonder. Of course he’s growing just fine, runs around without getting winded or pale.
But it’s that irrational fear that seizes that keeps coming up. I honestly may go to my/his doctor and try to get another echocardiogram just so I can sleep better.
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2 Responses to “This one’s a hard one.”
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Shandra, take a deep breath, Noah is fine, he is fine and happy. If the test will help you sleep better then by all means, have the test.
Campbell
You are NOT having irrational fears; you have every reason in the world to feel the way that you do. I defy anyone with your history not to worry about a heart murmur. I second Campbell: it if it will make you feel better, get the test done. You deserve that peace of mind.