Lots going on, but I am suffering some blues. Don’t write the prozac script yet; I think it’s a combination of stress, winter, lack of exercise, and coming directly into Emily’s season. I didn’t get an exciting new thing kicked off and I’m sort of feeling the lack of artificial new-thing high.
Work is just at this very frustrating, stressful point, and I have responded by procrastinating, which is unwise. Tomorrow will be catch-up week by force of deadline, and it will all be Just Fine, but meanwhile, I feel stressed, about 1/3 of my own making. Sigh. Journalist blues in a way. I remember how relieved I was when I discovered procrastination is almost a professional hazard.
On the home front today was one of the worse days we’ve had in a while. Last night I made the mistake of choosing to stay up reading a bit after hanging with Idaho; I was tired but not quite ready to sleep. Well you see where this is going. After going to bed around 11:30, Noah woke up at midnight, nursed, insisted on me bedding down in his bed (he has pretty much totally transitioned to his bed, but hasn’t made it through a night alone in it yet), woke up at 3 and nursed through until 4:30 in that horrid in-between state where he wakes up if he stops nursing (in point of fact, I have not actually seen this state in about 5-6 months except when he’s had a cold, so it was a bit of a surprise). At 4:30 I put my foot down, which I should have done at 3:30, because then he decided (after 20 min of wailing) that he was up for the day. I’d've made Carl get on duty except he’d worked until 2 am, so first (I am sorry to admit it), I cried. Noah patted me. And then I got up and staggered around getting toast and milk and then we read books for a while and then I descended to trying starfall.com with him for the first time.
He had a blast and so did I, sort of. My critical brain was screaming at me about toddler educational software being a crock, and losing it at the lousy animations and silly games but… he loved it, he learned that -ow sometimes sounds like o and a bit about how to use the mouse. It was sitting down and I could have coffee. What’s not to love?
The rest of the day gradually improved; we didn’t make it to weekend playgroup ’cause at 9:50, when I said “would you like to go to playgroup, or stay home… you look tired,” he wisely said “I want a nap,” and went and took one. Sadly a) I had had too much coffee to sleep with him at that point and b) he woke up hungry at 11:30 and only just went down at 7:15, so we’ll see if he’ll sleep well and catch up or if we’ll roll into one of those hell “I haven’t gotten enough sleep to sleep!” periods. And Carl managed to find 3 hrs this aft where I could sleep, although when I woke up Noah was watching Blue’s Clues and Carl was working, so.
And in between we got some good play going. Puzzles are a big deal right now, jigsaw mostly, and blocks and his Melissa & Doug mailbox and, of course, trains and cars. And balls. And Duplo.
And yes, weaning was on my mind. (Since he only nurses at night, it’s not night weaning.) It sounds like a good idea today, but most nights, it’s really not an issue. He usually nurses a bit falling asleep, which I probably could work to eliminate, since he also has an elaborate ritual with a cup of milk and a cup of water and arranging them etc., but so far I have kept bedtime as sacred bonding time and not move to the next stage time. Then normally, in this new bed, he wakes up between midnight and 2 am to “nurse” but that’s about 1 min and patting mostly will do. But then there is the 4 am nurse and that is the one he lives for. So… I don’t know. The normal status quo is ok. But last night was the devil’s work.
The Emily stuff is hitting hard this year. I have a few inklings why. One is that I doubt we are going up to the Briars and it’s hard to not have that total break to look forward to (if we change our mind, it will have to go on the line of credit for a couple months, grr). The other is that Noah is slightly less all-consuming as he does so much for himself now. And the third is that I am thinking of stepping back into the world of conception and pregnancy (although after today I truly think I would be insane to) and so I am scared. So. Also someone whose LJ I have followed for years had a pregnancy loss this month and listening to her hits some of those buttons too. What a strange community we are, bereaved parents.
I am starting a book about it, memoir-essay style, but I think it is only for me.
Writing a book, only for yourself, seems like a good thing. And going to the Briars, even if it is financially difficult, seems like a good and important thing also. Take care of yourself.