Actually the title is quite misleading. And this blog is getting really boring. Onwards.
I’m now at the point where I didn’t go into work today because I’m too sick, particularly with the dizziness and headaches. I am working from home though because I’m taking vacation days later in the week and I need to get things done before then.
But… since Thursday I have felt progressively worse. I mean really, seriously bad. All day I feel like I’m choking and my joints ache.
But the rest is odd in the timing: every day for the last 5 days at 4 pm I get vertigo, to the point of not being able to navigate stairs well and almost passing out. Then it passes.
Then from about 2 am to about 4 am I get a migraine that makes me want to die. And then it stops. And then I get shooting pains down my body for about half an hour. During the shooting pain part I have an anxiety attack. Then at about 4:30 it all goes away and I can sleep until I have to get up, no problem. Then when I wake up until today I felt ok, but today I feel like shit (but I think it is duh, lack of sleep). I pled stomach flu at work, for now, which was plausible as Noah had it. I just don’t want to get into it.
I think some of how I feel is related to stress and worry, and also I think the choking feeling has just kicked my body into hypervigilance, the kind that (seriously) can kill you over time. I drank a root beer on the weekend (we had party stuff around) and the first swallow almost killed me; I had to lie down on the floor. I felt the cold root beer go all the way down my digestive track like lightening, it was extremely weird, like it was glowing (in a sensation way) and burning all the way.
And I honestly think it was that I am that extremely sensitive just now. If someone touches me it feels like an assault. I feel every stitch of cheap thread in the waistband of my pants, every tag, every imperfection, every fold of the sheet. It’s what sensory processing disorder is, and I vaguely remember that during my entire adolescence this is how I lived every day, every nerve waiting for something.
This is why sensory kids won’t eat. I don’t feel like it either. The food assaults my mouth, and then I feel it getting digested and it makes me feel heavy and tired. But I know as a teen I would stuff food into me to get that feeling, because it would at least cancel all the other feelings out. It’s a weird flashback to my former life.
For the rest though – the only times I’ve felt this bad were a) during Noah’s pregnancy (but I just finished a heavy period, so no worries there) and b) the time I got the mysterious vertigo in university. Which makes me wonder if maybe I’ve had thyroid problems for a long time? Or something else that is coming back.
I’m thinking/conjecturing/hoping that my thyroid function just crapped out and as soon as my doctor gets back I can get magic pills, and that the lymph node things are unrelated. Because if this is some chronic weirdo disease, then I am going to be totally fucked over. I realize there are many options here.
Meanwhile I’m starting yoga and about to be really really strict about healthy foods. I figure the yoga has to help with the pain and the sensory stuff. (If not I’m seriously going to look into things like weighed blankets.) And the food has to be good for me and might help with the tiredness after eating.
So things are not good on the western front today. But there is still some good stuff, more on this later.
love you, love you, love you.