I’m not big on the whole day of the dead tradition; I just don’t know much more about it than one picks up via the obligatory mention once a year and the touristy shots of altars and graves that one sees via friends or on stock sites.
So it kind of slammed into me when I was driving home yesterday gearing up mentally for trick or treat night and the CBC reported that it’s actually the days of the dead, and that Oct 31 the souls of the dead children visit, followed by the adults on Nov 1 (today) and then the whole goodbye festival tomorrow. I felt really lousy for not having left cookies out for Emily actually and just missed her. I cried a little, truth be told.
When I got home I was clearing off the table in preparation for the visitations (you can see our kitchen table from the front door) and it was a mess, because we had dumped things there all week – stuff from the trip to Ottawa, stuff from the three (THREE) things Noah’s school did for Hallowe’en, regular every day stuff. And in the pile there were two $20 receipts for parking at the “University Health Network.” I was really, really confused since that’s one place we hadn’t been all week, despite various health things on my part.
That’s when I looked at the dates: 2004/13/03. In other words, Carl’s receipts from when he went down to Sick Kids with Emily.
Is that not WEIRD? I put cookies out!!! I don’t actually really believe in any of that and yet… it was a little coincidental even for the resolutely prosaic.
I was also in a foul mood Friday because I got all the reports from the biopsy, ENT, MRI, and other acronyms. I am still following up on the thyroid and I am still having the barium swallow, but the consensus seems to be that there is nothing serious really wrong with me. Which is kind of good. Oh, and I should take anti-depressants.
Okay, it’s not quite that simple but that’s what I heard the first time.
The diagnosis is: an episode of migraines, and globus hystericus which is the “sensation of a lump in the throat when none is there” generally triggered either by reflux issues (which I may have and am also about to be treated for) or anxiety.
Well, I have had anxiety, so there is that. Of course neither of these explains the lymph nodes which is why the follow up continues.
I’m kind of unhappy with this.
On the one hand, I am a reasonable person and I see that the doctors have really done tests and listened and in the case of my family doctor, mused that perhaps Noah is at an age where he might trigger memories off for me (definitely true) and that I have been clinically depressed before (also true; when I was 20 and I was on Prozac for about nine weeks).
On the other hand… I’m pretty sure I’m not depressed per se. Or wasn’t, before all this started; now I am tired out, and grumpy. I have had some unusual stress maritally recently. But the migraines, anxiety, throat problems, and visibly swollen lymph nodes all came on at just about the same time, there are two nodules on my thyroid, and the fatigue hit very shortly thereafter.
So I kind of feel like I’m in that catch-22 female position where everyone but me is pretty sure that’s it’s (biochemically) in my head. And stomach.
I could go on some anti-depressant as an experiment, of course. The problem is that Prozac, which I know is now like a dinosaur pill or something but it is what I have experience with, wreaked absolute havoc on our multiplicity by taking down many communication barriers at once. I have strong memories of how fantastic it was to be on Prozac actually: for the first time EVER I had visual memory, and not just visual memory but an appreciation for visual art.
It was like I was sinking into every fresco and painting and tapestry I saw and since I was in Italy, that was a lot of them. (I retained some but mostly that was Lyr.) I remember how the taste of a tomato almost made me cry with joy. I remember how I felt high, absolutely high, all the time and I dropped 20 lbs in three weeks because I could not eat (the tastes of things assaulted me!) nor stop moving.
And I remember travelling around Italy in a crowd. Except the crowd was in my head!
After a few more weeks I think we adjusted a little and then after that I never refilled the prescription (Not Recommended) and then I parked my car across a very busy two-lane highway and very nearly killed myself and others, so.
Let’s just say my desire to experiment is pretty low here, considering I have a kid and all. It’s not that I would not follow this course of treatment if I did not believe it would help. I’m just kind of reluctant to follow it in order to please other people and then move on.
So, we’ll see. I also have a prescription for Imitrex and I’m eyeing it with suspicion too. Although I will try it if I have awful migraines.
I think I’m going to try just the treatment for reflux though and see where it gets me.
A whole lot of drama for nothing, so far, though.
Well. You know your history better than anyone. You have a pretty clear-eyed view of it, from what a random blog-reader can tell.
Treating the reflux and following up on the thyroid stuff makes sense. I hope this sorts out — it is maddening to feel you’ve been through all this with no answers, at the same time that it is a big relief not to have anything Big.
I have to say, this really makes me want to try Prozac & see if the same thing happens for us. Not that I *will* but man, I’d love to get me some of that visual memory! I hear it’s cool!