It’s 2:30 am and I am up. I’m having another one of these episodes, whatever they are – I had a wicked migraine at work; one of the first I’ve had during the day. Went to bed with Noah at 7:30 pm. He woke me up at 1:30 because his diaper leaked, and now I can’t get back to sleep. I know messing about on the ‘net is the wrong response but here I am regardless.
I’m also pretty anxious, which I was last night. I know that this might reinforce the idea that what I need is anti-depressants and not more tests, but I still pretty much believe that it’s the reverse – whatever I have produces anxiety. I do think working out would help immensely, but I still can’t find the energy… it’s a real chicken and egg problem, compounded by the craziness of my life right now.
And I have to acknowledge that some of my life is crazy right now. Work is insanely busy; I sort of get off on this, but I’m not sure it’s healthy. And I have to admit some of it is self-imposed by my own high standards &/or failure to meet them (although some of it is also corporate). Sometimes I wish I could disengage a little bit better from what I do. For a while there I had a real zen going with this job, but that was before my site went up, of course. A website is kind of difficult to manage in that there’s always something more one could be doing.
I think the zen is my next personal goal though. I am not my site and my site is not me.
Home is very up and down. I feel like Noah is doing really well over all; the only thing I’m not sure about is still the hours he spends in daycare. I think the Montessori is working out really really well in terms of him being safe and having things to learn and do, and learning to get along with other kids, and all that stuff. I’m increasingly a fan of the whole Montessori method in terms of engaging the intellect and providing a good environment.
But I do kind of wish we could swing 4 days a week rather than 5, or something similar. Sometimes Noah has clearly had enough and wants to be with me and Carl. And if something happens – like last Thursday I was at an after-work event, that kind of thing – to tilt the balance, I think it does stress him out a bit. In many ways I have found that the whole two WOHPs thing is not as bad as it might seem; we still have time each day to hang out together and relax and be. But there are some moments where you wish the world would stop for a bit.
I also am wondering what next. We have too many options: junior kindergarten registration starts in Feb. Probably we will maintain the status quo for one more year, but after that, I don’t know. I actually think anything resembling public school will make working harder, not easier, because of the whole after care issue, not to mention what do about activities. I guess right now I feel like Noah’s school provides a really good day with a good mix of stuff to do (yoga is Noah’s current fav, and he comes home and leads yoga class with us – cobra! downward dog!). But I don’t think public school will do the same, and we’ll need to provide more – downtime and love and yoga? Dunno.
So I feel a bit anxious about what am I doing. Working for the next 20 yrs at my job? (I signed up for the pension.) Working for one more year? It’s all confusing. I know it will sort out.
There’s also that whole other baby thing. On the one hand, I know that in order to handle that things would have to change, plus I really need to get less sick before opening that can of worms. And it freaks me out to make things more complicated. And yet… still don’t feel done. Not sure where to go with this, and I turn 38 in Jan.
Marriage-wise Carl and I more in harmony, but the work pattern on Carl’s end has not changed that appreciably and I am finding it increasingly hard. (Another reason not to get knocked up.) Part of that is my lack of energy, part of it is the difficulty of maintaining a home with the way that he works. But it’s not very under my control unless I want to really fight a lot about it, and I don’t. I just want it fixed. It’s pretty frustrating. Carl makes time for Noah though. Just not for a lot of other stuff.
And it does get all tangled up with the house, which is feeling rather albatross-like to me right now. I have it down so that the house is decently clean and tidy most of the time, except for one room in the basement that’s kind of become a catch-all room. (Significantly, it is the designated art room.) But a lot of stuff that would require two adults, or one adult with a lot more time and skill than I have, or a handyman, is going undone. And I do resent that. And then I feel bad for resenting it. I wish that I had held out for a townhouse closer to downtown in some ways. Except that I love the lake. And moving would involve doing the little fixes anyway, so why not just do them?
As for the money aspect, it is sort of like the house: I manage the daily stuff, but the long-term stuff is largely neglected right now. Which isn’t that smart. Although siging up for the pension plan was a good step.
Anyways, 2 am thoughts.
