Parenting: Predators, Internet, etc.

I’m in two conversations at once about kids’ use of social media on the Internet: at the lovely Ask Moxie site and also over at MotheringDotCommune, my hippie hangout of choice.

Bearing in mind that I:
- am the parent who was totally paranoid about a nanny and who does not have cable television
- am a person who spent/wasted much of her young adulthood poking around every. sordid. corner. of the Internet, sometimes to negative emotional results
- am a survivor of incest and rape
- am a mother who lost an infant

Here is what has gradually occured to me.

I think what I most want for Noah is a really great life.

And although I see protecting him from abuse, drugs, and crap as a huge part of that, I am becoming increasingly sure that fear is the enemy.

Knowledge and skepticism are not.

I am after all the person who followed Protecting the Gift to the letter and asked both our future nanny and our future school director: “Have you ever hit a child? Abused a child? Has anyone on your staff ever abused or hit a child?” Not that I expected a yes even if so, but the reaction to the question went a long way. I am not into pretending everything is fine. It is not fine. Life just isn’t safe. You do so much and then you have to let it go. The question is how much.

Anyways how does this relate to the net? There is a lot of fear about social media and the Internet. I think we can break this down into a few categories:

Exposure: I don’t particularly want my 9 year old to come across pictures of bestiality, for example. Or my 90 year old. Or anyone. Ew.
Predation: There are undoubtably not only pure pedophiles on the ‘net, there are also card-carrying members of NAMBLA, college boys seeking 12 year olds, 16 year olds seeking 16 year olds, and serial killers.
General unhealthiness: Time on the ‘net leads you to be discontent with reality, takes over your life, etc.

So one at a time:

Exposure
Err, yah. I do not want my son exposed to a hell of a lot of stuff on the Internet. I also don’t want him exposed to the evening news, where there are many images I find extremely disturbing. But as he gets older, I feel like I have to accept two things:

1) By the time he is say, 16, he will be fully capable of finding whatever he wants whenever he wants, Internet at home or no Internet at home. There are such things as adult book and video stores and all you have to do is have a big coat, a hat, and slouch a lot. Not only that, but you could be me at 14 and be babysitting and snoop around and come across a lot of disturbing porn.

2) No matter what he finds at any age, I would like him to be able to express and discuss anything that is disturbing to him. When I found the aforementioned porn, there was no one in my life – not even a peer friend – with whom I could discuss any of that, and it was actually that that messed me up more than anything else.

Conclusion: My goal between age 3 and age 16 is to try to limit exposure to Bad Things and maximize exposure to Good Things, with a gradually decreasing emphasis on the limiting part over time. My other goal is to try to build a strong relationship so that any disturbing things can be… well, I’m not sure any teen boy is going to discuss them with his mother, but he might hang out and do the dishes that day to be reassured he has a home or something. You probably get what I am going for here. Love, acceptance, and a sense that there is no livid, raging, grounded consequence for having chosen to click on the wrong link or enter the wrong store.

Corollary: I find I do actually believe that exposure to good things – quality literature, art (including nudes!), and music – will help to buffer the spirit. I also find I think there’s a place for funny YouTube videos in that.

Additional corollary: What I have always loved about the ‘net is that kids/people can make their own YouTube videos (ok, it used to be web pages). Sure they need help deciding what is appropriate – but what power and voice and learning and information! I love the little Lego movies people make. That is SO COOL. If I were a teen today I would be ALL OVER that.

Predation
I have spent a lot of my life steeped in abuse – my own abuse, being attracted to abusive situations, joining survivor circles, being multiple and finding other multiples, being in therapy, etc. I have gut-wrenching, hands-on experience with the lifelong impact of abuse. I feel frequently as if I would literally die if Noah were abused – or more to the point live in absolute agony. I think it would be hell on earth…

… except

… I’m also aware that that feeling is probably what would keep him from telling me if he were. I mean if your mother’s giving off vibes that this is the One Thing She Cannot Handle, a lot of sensitive kids would kind of pick up on that?

So, I’ve actually spent some time and energy trying to work through this. And here’s what I’ve come up with:

1) I actually don’t believe the Internet is a big risk. The stats bear this out. If you don’t believe me, look it up. (I am awed by this study.)

Yes there are pedophiles. But their approach to kids online is by nature of the medium risky and clumsy: logs can be made; emails can be found and even, to a point, traced. It’s a lot of work. Sure there are a lot of disgusting things that can happen quickly: they can convince your child to send pictures or use a web cam; they can engage in sexual talk or send links to porn.

These are serious and real things. But they also are a step away from being held down and sodomized. I would prefer none of them happen, and they would be a violation. But I do feel they are a lesser risk in some ways, if we are having to sort “bad things that can happen to you” out into risk categories.

And if you read that study you’ll find the danger is a lot where it always has been: the 17 year old who just invited your 14.5 year old to the prom.

2) The most dangerous people are the people who have physical access to one’s child already. Especially family and trusted adults – teachers, priests, etc.

3) After reading Michael Kimmel’s Guyland, and interviewing him, I’m increasingly convinced that the most dangerous place you can put your son in particular is on a team, and your daughter at a party with teammates present. Not only are coaches potential abusers and locker rooms big time risky situations; hazing and other sports rites (drinking, proving things) seem to put kids at particular risk. Especially teens and young adults.

4) Given all this, I think it’s probably more responsible to let my son onto social media at the appropriate age (I’m thinking 10 supervised, 12 less supervised, and so on towards that 16 year old goal) than it is to let him play sports. And let me be clear: I will probably let him play sports anyway.

Because here I have to circle back to this new realization: I want Noah to have a great life. And a great life may well include soccer and Facebook (well that will be dead by then, but whatever replaces it.) Trips to the mall. Trips to the park.

It makes me sad in a way that so many kids are sitting home IMing people because we don’t let them outside any more.

… except I was let outside and I was outside until 9 pm and then on the phone as late as I could get away with it. Kids are insatiable that way.

Corollary: I also have come to realize that strong connections to good people – who exist on the internet too! – are a bonus in life. I don’t think it’s good to live so much in fear that you get disconnected, because that is when you are most vulnerable. So I actually start to come out on the fan side of the social part of the media, if the social part is good. A lot of teen social stuff is not good no matter how you slice it… sigh.

General unhealthiness
As with all things I think moderation is important, and I think knowing your kid and your values is important. I myself have been on the ‘net unhealthily – still am at times – and I get that it can be a big fat zero. At the same time, the job I have is because I was on the ‘net and the spouse I have I met on the ‘net and several of my best friends have come via the ‘net.

So no, I don’t think social media is inherently unhealthy; I don’t think the phone is unhealthy and I don’t think conversation or letter-writing is unhealthy.

I do think that health comes from aligning activities with values and being active and all that. But I think the ‘net is a good tool in the arsenal – not the only one – for defining that. And I think teens today are actively involved in that process as they have been for decades now: who am I? What do I like? Who likes me? What do I want to do with my life?

And I guess I don’t really want to limit Noah’s access to the tools kids today (oh my god, “Kids Today”) are using to do that, without cause.

So final conclusion: I find myself pro-social media in the end, as long as it is in the context of generally good week. I think the risks are outweighed by the benefits of the relative safety of experimentation online and the connection to the social conversation that occurs on the Internet.

You’re welcome to… comment. Hee.