I roleplayed last night and I had a great deal of fun doing it. Since Wednesday I have been considering whether or not to go ahead and play. a game. While my life is a little tangled up. And I think I’ve decided well, yeah, actually. We’ll see how things proceed.
I of course now have to look at the deep psychological bit, so if that’s not your thing, come back later.
Since Emily died really, but especially since Noah was born, I’ve been experiencing a kind of calm normalcy. I suppose most people wouldn’t think of the grenade that goes off in your life and marriage with a newborn as calm and normal, but for me, it has been. Because we, the system, utterly agree on so many things. Like, being a good parent to Noah is this very normal thing. People understand you when you talk about that. They may not understand you if you chose to go on and say something like “Hey, wow, who knew that Lynn would end up being the person who is most entirely patient with night waking???”
But it is this very universal sort of journey, even if the details are strange.
And going back to work was a very good thing to do. Because it’s creative and empowering. But it isn’t really entirely about that: much of it is along the lines of “wouldn’t it be nice to be able to both travel with our son once or twice a year and save for retirement at the same time?” And let’s face it, as much as I adore my publication (and some of the upcoming stories are ones I want to talk about, once they’re out) it is not revolutionary… or rather, it is, but only in a world where saying women are complicated is revolutionary.
But what I haven’t been really doing, myself, is being that creative. Or being that much myself (just as Lynn has not been herself, etc.) I did work over a short story with a view towards the CBC literary awards, but it wasn’t ready. And on the subway I have been slowly reading my book again, and I know what the trouble was in finishing it, and I pretty much know how to fix it, and I am doing research, but I have to restructure a core piece and it’s a lot of work. And you know what? I do not always feel like doing this work right now. And you know what else? It is ridiculous, this book.
Anyways.
Also, my social life stinks right now. It’s one of those perfect storms: Carl’s work is still insane and I am also the “bedtime parent” so it’s hard to get away in the evenings, and when I do, lately, it has all been work events because I’ve reached this level where I have to, you know, show up to ‘dos’ from time to time. Which is social in the sense of yay, people. (Thank god.) But not in the sense of friends.
And weekends – well I can address this weekend bit and I am going to, but right now weekends have been about a) kid events and b) chores, chores, chores.
Carl’s issues, as much as I see that he is engaging with them and all that, also turn me into a bit of a nag. (I allow them to. But it’s not fun. And it’s not me as I wish to be. In my ideal universe I am not the one obsessing over the laundry.)
Anyways, so when I logged onto a creative, mildly social environment (one in which I met my husband, some of my best friends, and where we, the system got to know each other), it just felt good. It did! PernMUSH! Who knew? And god, it makes sense. So although I know I have these other things to address, I’m going to have some fun, especially over the winter. I think. I’m still waiting a bit to see if it blows up.
But anyways so there that is. Here’s the next oddest bit that someone should investigate for their thesis, ’cause I’d like to know if it’s a human phenomenon, an Internet thing, or a multiple thing.
I totally found my personality there! I suppose this is something that happens at reunions, now that I think about it (I can’t say, since I avoid mine, although my 20th is next year). But I take more social risks. On several levels, but like I’m sort of quick to banter (something I did in university, but haven’t exercised much as a muscle since, except online) and a little flirty, and louder. Definitely louder. And more fun loving.
It was weird. I logged in and I thought about a few things and I made a decision to be myself, and it was like, here is a piece of me that I haven’t exactly left behind, but which is perhaps most easily accessed here. [Weirdly, the Jehovah's Witnesses interrupted me here to remind me that God loves me. Well okay then!]
It made me a bit wistful and I guess aware that especially since Emily died I have kind of played life fairly safely. Which is definitely not a bad thing when you have young children and houses and spouses and all that, and which I also embrace. I honestly get a kick out of my crockpot much of the time – ok, sometimes the food comes out totally overcooked, but when it does, it’s so nice to come home to the smell of a good dinner all ready! It’s really an underappreciated sort of magic.
But beyond that, in me, there’s this whole other wild piece – the crazy fiction (and I don’t mean the serious stuff), the quirky flirty person in the red dress, the person who will stay up all night painting the walls a new colour with no planning whatsoever and yes, the warrior, however you want to interpret that metaphorically.
It seems like the right time to be getting some of that back. Playfully, of course.
But we’ll see: there are all the other issues of time and energy and so on and so forth. Although something you can do at home at night is a plus! (Now THERE is a housewifey line!)
