Desperate times, desperate measures
I’m home again today waiting for the pertussis culture. I’m trying not to spread the plague, plus, I don’t feel well. I’m “working,” but I’m also “freaked out that I’m going to lose my job.” In this economy there may be cuts and I’m not helping my cause with all this illness.
I am trying to be Zen about it still. But it’s not working. Instead I’m just all worked up that I Suck And The Corporation Will Fire Me.
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Even worse, last night we resorted to fast food (A&W actually). Carl had to drive me to the doctor’s and then to get the prescription because the coughing attacks I have are really bad, the kind where you can’t breathe and you throw up half the time. Which makes driving a little unsafe. If it were summer road conditions I might’ve tried it but in the winter, you can’t be that distracted.
So we went to get the ’script when he went to pick Noah up and we kind of ran out of evening in the way that you sometimes do when you are doing the daycare thing. And he was out of gas. And there’s a A&W at the gas station. So there you go, it wasn’t even a vaguely normal food like Subway (I’m scared of deli meats right now anyway).
Noah was thrilled about the fries but eventually ate a peanut butter sandwich instead of the burger, and since we were in the fridge getting the peanut butter, he had baby carrots too. Then I wondered why we hadn’t just made peanut butter sandwiches in the first place.
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The deli meat fear is a little unreasonable, I know. But during the listeria outbreak I read the Macleans article on how it’s so hard to eliminate and it grows on properly stored meat, even. It’s just put me off a category of easy food that isn’t that great for you anyway. When I’m healthy it’s not hard to make extra chicken or do a roast and slice that up for the times you want a quick protein like that. But right now I kind of do miss the capacity to roll deli meat up in a wrap and declare that the main course. Noah’s been wary of hummus lately, the tuna has mercury… there are solutions, but I’m out of creative juice.
Whine whine whine.
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I do have a kind of Puritan belief that illness is a moral failing and confronting that is hard. I am having a hard time with it. And I’m having a hard time with the idea that slowing down would help. It would, but I would have to make choices I don’t want to make. My response to problems is to speed up, not slow down. Except right now my body is making the choice for me.
I had a friend who used to say, after she would drink until she threw up, “thank you body for taking care of me when my brain did not.” This may be that. On the other hand, it may just be bad luck.
OR CANCER!!! Damn the ABC afterschool specials. I’ve been tested for cancer! I don’t have it!
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I know my boss is kind of upset with me too and I have a hard time in that space. I get frozen, especially when I’m sick. When I’m well I can throw my energy at getting past the mental block. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who can do bad work and not care. Although I’m not sure anyone is really like that, underneath.
Midlife is when you realize you suck, and so does everyone else.
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Speaking of midlife, my doctor talked to me about All This - the thyroid, the anxiety, the constant slew of germy illnesses. Do you know what she said? She said her recommendation for right now is to put all that aside and start trying to have a baby as soon as I’m finished the antibiotics.
I was a little stunned. Okay I was very stunned. I couldn’t even write about it yesterday.
You do have to understand the relationship I have with my doctor - she’s been my doctor since I was about eight. She’s been through the depression, the sexual abuse revelations (and apologized for not catching the signs, although she had in my sister), the years of miscarriage, losing Emily, and she’s also Noah’s doctor. So when she says something weird like that, it’s not as left-field as you think.
But I was still floored. So I said: “WHAT???!!!”
And she said she mentioned it because I’m 38, and my mum went through menopause very early. And so, if we want to add to our family it might be something that is urgent.
And I’m like: okay, but I cannot make it through a week without feeling tired and anxious and sick. Does this sound like a good time to be getting pregnant?
And she said that so far there’s nothing I have that would be dangerous in pregnancy. So to think about it.
I’m just like - not this week. Holy crap.
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Wow. That’s quite a thing for her to say. It’s a nice vote of confidence for “I don’t think you have anything serious.” But that doesn’t help you get better.
If you want to play “silver lining” you can say that if you lose your job, you’ll have the time to be pregnant even if you need to nap all day to survive it.
Wow. (And also — hey, I’m 38, too.)
I’m sorry this just goes on and on. I can’t think that a Canadian winter helps any. And isn’t it funny, how hard it can be to think about dinner in a more casual way? I get all hung up on that, too, and then the kids top off the fast-food grab with foods I could have served in the first place.