I’m having a hard time today. A really hard time. A medicate-me hard time.
It’s largely work-related. It’s partly a feeling of being trapped (media is its own sort of car manufacturing right now; it’s either keep the job you have or get out I guess) and partly actual crap going down, possibly leading to layoffs. And then it’s the question of well so then what would I do? I don’t know. I really don’t. The market would be kind of saturated for my skills.
I loved this job in theory. Some parts of it I might, but they seem to be disappearing under the rest. I don’t know. I’m going to slog through it because what’s the alternative? I’m not sure what else I would want to do with my life. And with Carl’s job unstable, it doesn’t seem like a good time to have a little crisis. Even if public half-day kindergarten waves its little flag over yonder, I think having a single breadwinner right now would be so stressful I’d throw up every day. Which is a bit silly, but it’s where my head is at.
I think the truth is that I’m feeling like many of the best things turn to mud. Emily dying. Finding out I’m not great at the SAHM gig, or at least, I wasn’t. Getting a dream job only to start to feel like I’m in a perennial Dilbert cartoon, and I’m part of the problem – my health, Noah’s health. I don’t know.
I can’t balance things lately.
It’s Easter. Lynn is all weird. I feel weird. I feel separated from the rest of humanity.
And I’m tired. Noah is improving, but slowly.
ETA: Ironically last week I gave a big pep talk to a group of writers.
{{{Shandra}}} I hope this is the true bottom, and things look a bit better soon.