Epiphanies
You know, often my follow-through on things sucks. But here’s the latest epiphany. Scroll down if you don’t want the background.
I did go on the PR trip. It was brilliant. I’ll try to summarize why:
1. I decided somewhere between 4:45 and 5:45 in the morning on the trip to the airport and waiting for the flight that I am done with trying to be anything I am not. So I asked every dumb question and admitted often that I am still learning about fashion and that it was my first junket. And you know what? It was fine. There was one out of 25 people who snubbed me and that was it.
2. If you had designed a day for Me And My Multiple System, it would have been this one, perhaps minus a few hours on product information. But seriously.
We drove up into my beloved mountains in a limo. I stayed at a gorgeous resort hotel with a room with a fireplace, two televisions, separate bedroom, kitchenette (not that I touched that) and it overlooked a pool, green space, lake, and mountain. What’s more I canoed that lake as a teen. Expect that we will be staying there again, provided I stay employed.
The fitting and clothes stuff worked fine. I was the largest size in the bunch by quite a lot, but it all worked out ok.
Horsebacking riding in the mountains - oh yeah, baby. Here’s my moment of triumph: remember that I am in a group of people sized 0-4 and I am a 12, and that I have just come from a fitting where this was made painfully clear. So first thing at the (cute, clean, good-energy) ranch: M. Le Cheval points at me and says “I will give you the biggest horse.” And then in front of 14 people he brings out a big horse and says to get up on the horse. Great, so me and my huge butt are in front of everyone.
So I say a silent prayer that I will not humiliate myself and I put my foot in the (western) stirrup and - yes! Get up on the horse as if I were, say, a warrior queen!
Bonus points: Many of les autres could not get up on their horses and had to be given a boost.
Double bonus points: Did I mention I got to canter!
And no, I’m not really a horse genius, but we did fine. (CANTER!!! All the warriors are still happy about it, weeks later.)
2. a. Also weirdly, I can speak French up there better than anywhere else. I was babbling away. In Montreal I am often too shy.
3. Apres horse, we were taken to a spa. A water spa. Where you go in little jasmine-scented pools or saunas set into the side of a mountain overlooking a river, or into the river itself if you feel like it. Then you sit in a chair and listen to new-age music before repeating the process. This was Lyria heaven. Interestingly, it was also Lynn-friendly, in part because one of the pools had a (man-made) waterfall and in part because Lyr was pushy. And I forgot to care that I was wearing a bathing suit.
Bonus points: Free massage, from a really gorgeous man who loves motorcycles. Normally people in the system would not like a strange man touching us, but it was fine. Lyria vetted him.
4. The rest involved cocktails, dinner, and king -sized beds. I am not the world’s best networker but I did okay. I was like a mom to all the fashion girls.
Epiphanies
So here’s what happened though. I was exhausted (the day went from 4:30 am to 1 am once the bonfire was through). But I was deliriously happy.
And I realized that this was the first time in a long, long time. That I felt happy and… whole. I am not slagging on parenting or being employed or Carl or anything but right now my life is largely crisis management with a bit of fun thrown! in! briefly!
And the thing about this PR trip is that it was not reality - it was like a field trip. Show up at the start and then someone else arranges everything - hands you water bottles - drives you to activities. It was in no way a recipe for how to live or a new career direction or anything of the sort. It was Disney for Shandra. But it made me ache - literally ache - for more rightness in my life. And I am really not sure what to do about that.
One thing I know I can do is pay more attention so I have tried, despite the last week of hell (Noah has been sooooo sick with quote, “an ear infection probably due to the tonsilitis and adenoiditis” which meant he could not BREATHE at night and so did not sleep for three nights and neither did anyone else) to see what makes me happy.
1. Noah.
2. The writing parts of my job.
3. ?
I have sucked so badly at life balance this year and been a worse employee than usual (my performance eval went ok; my boss’s only criticism was that I “care too much sometimes” ?!?!?!) and I really want to run off to a chalet in the Laurentians and write books. I do. I do not have the kind of personality to actually do it though, and this is an issue.
But also I realized that part of what I loved so much out there was doing these physical things AWAY FROM THE INTERNET and feeling the wind and smelling the horse and bathing in the water.
And so I am considering all these things. I am not ready to give up on my current life but I sort of have my ear to the ground. I think it’s Natalie Goldberg who said be a house painter if you’re going to be a writer, so that you aren’t expending your writing energy in your work. I’m considering whether over the long run I need to do that. It’s just that like many Gen X people who came out of school into dot-com-craze stuff, I have no like, practical skills that way.
Sister update
My sister is still pregnant, but depressed and beaten down. So amazing for her baby but such a rough start. I will be going down soon.