Seeking balance

If I had to characterize 2009, I would say it was a year where as a nuclear family, Carl, Noah and I really found our footing. It helps that Noah is 4, of course; at 4 one can say “I need to make dinner. Would you like to help or go play for 20 minutes?” and generally have one of the two happen. (Parenting tip: The third option is play playdough right next to me; the fourth option, for very bad days, is eat tuna sandwiches after a 15-minute cuddle.)

But it’s also that we’ve got our groove back. We laugh. We have fun. We get (most of) the chores done without resenting each other. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company, in all our various configurations of 3! (that’s a factorial; am I not impressive?)

Sometimes I think the magic grieving period is five years. I still acutely miss Emily and experience all the emotions associated with that, but I am regaining bits that were shut down to cope. And I see that Carl is too. I’d like to continue that this year, but it really is the highlight of 2010. I feel like we are a functional and loving and respectful team.

I’d also say that 2009 was a period of social pulling back for me. I’d reached out to find mom-friends, and this year I lost the energy to properly nuture those relationships. I would like to change that; the challenge for me is that as I’ve regained these lost bits of myself the more time I can sit with myself, and the less time I spend socializing. I am a strange bird that way. I would like to seek some balance, perhaps by doing something as simple as inviting people to come look at art with me rather than just doing it with Noah alone.

In that gray area between socially sanctioned family and friends lie of course the Ell (Idaho) gang, with whom our relationships have continued to deepen. I think one of the surprises this year has been that we’ve been able to do some practical things together (goal setting and tending) and it’s been inspiring. It feels very solid.

With extended family most relationships have been good. After watching my sister go through her hellish, hellish, hellish pregnancy and then make the transition to parent I have a new respect for her. Visiting her in August was great. I’m also continually awed that my parents have raised two people with such different styles. My sister gets me in a way no one else does, but we joke that in some ways we’d be good candidates for a Wife Swap (the TV sort, get your minds out of the gutter) because our homes function quite differently.

Work has been the hardest, most amazing wild ride. I have never loved a job this much and hated a job this much, often on the same day. I’ve learned about myself that I have a hard time when I’m not a rising star, and I’m not, yet, and I’m not sure I will be one ever. I over-identify with it, or at least I have this year, and that’s when I do my worst work.

I am not sure yet what I’m going to do with this information. Since my industry is sort of a dying one (if the phoenix will rise again, no one quite knows how) I find myself at almost-39 on the cusp of a pretty crazy midlife crisis. I have a job I’m not sure about, but there’s not really much of anywhere to go without a huge change. It’s all so stereotypical, and given that my job is actually soaked in the experience of the exact same thing it’s one of those matches made either in heaven or hell. I suspect that this year I’ll find out which and either part company, or become better at it in a puff of magical purple smoke. But the most important thing for me personally is to release expectations and find some Zen. This is not my forte.

Physically the year was a bit of a draw. I am not as sick as I was last year, although no one knows why I was so sick last year. I have now had my whole torso scanned except for a mammogram and seem to be growth-free, but I have had Bad Juju Symptoms. I have eaten overall really well – locally, seasonally, mindfully, with lots of nutritious veggies and whole grains and lean meats – but I also have eaten extra snacks that were not healthy. And for exercise it hasn’t been a great year at all.

Also I have gotten pregnant and not stayed that way, and of late not been able to get pregnant. This is kind of the last year for that, I think, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Carl and I have always taken the approach that we don’t want to get on too much of the ART wagon, and we have Noah and life is sweet. But we still have those two empty spots at the table – Emily and Baby X. And now that I’ve seen Carl blossom as a dad I think he should have 10 kids.

So here are my thoughts on 2010:
- write a minimum of 20 minutes 5 days a week, with at least 2 of those focused on the new book, which is actually going well
- walk during three lunch hours a week at a bare minimum; play outside at least once a week with Noah (or at the pool if the weather is really bad) work out at least once on weekends. I know this sounds very small but baby steps.
- limit work’s space in my mind outside of work, but focus on work at work. But take lunch breaks.
- keep the family stuff going, the CSA going, etc.
- invite friends in to the things I do
- make an appointment to discuss ART with my doctor
[And as for Noah's anemia/allergies/whatever, we have a follow-up appointment on Jan 22 and I am going to put my foot down about a blood workup and get one, and also seek a referral to an allergist. This holiday he has been jolly, pale, tired out at the end of the day (although we have had fun-packed days which can be tiring) and totally turned off by any food more caloric than cucumbers, unless it came from Santa. We hide the meat in the broccoli. I'm not really kidding; I shred the beef and toss with the the broccoli.]

But my #1 goal is gratitude. I’m a striver which is not a bad thing, but right now I think it’s getting in the way a bit. One can appreciate the now and not always be worrying. I found myself frothing at the mouth a bit in online communities over Christmas presents and gratitude and I think that like most rants, I was mostly talking to myself. So this year I am also going to appreciate what I have.

All the best to you, dear reader, in 2010!