Progress
About an hour ago I just lost it. I was supposed to be a workshop to do with work (just covering it for the blog) but I feel 20 fathoms underwater in terms of chores, workload at work and with life, etc.
So I wisely (I think; maybe not since it was yoga-based) cancelled it and I came in and expressed to Carl that I feel COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED with chores and organization and stuff.
During that discussion, he pointed to the (homemade, simmered*) marinara sauce that I had turned off last night and left on the stove and said that it needs to go in the fridge before the tomatoes go bad. This is not as bad as it sounds; I had finished my talk and he had been trying to express that I should like, take a break sometime today, and he was mentally making a list of Things That MUST Be Done and splitting it up. But of course, it hit completely wrong. So I said “I know! It’s one of my 100 things I need to do!” and picked up a ladle and a tupperware container…
… and he dug himself further into the hole and continued to explain what happens to tomatoes that are left out.
Whereupon I reacted with total wisdom and threw the tupperware container on the floor, stamped my feet, went down the hall and threw the ladle on the bed.
But that’s not all.
I had a little cry (Noah was downstairs for all this, but Carl went down to make sure he was okay). And then I went down and was sulky as I switched laundry around. And then I sat on the floor and breathed for a few minutes.
And that’s not all.
Then I went BACK downstairs and apologized to Carl. And you know what he said? “I think you needed to lose it. And you can’t lose it at (long list of people) but you can lose it at me from time to time.”
10 years ago pretty much to the day (because lo, we always freak out about cleaning at…Easter! Which is next week!) I contemplated divorce, in all seriousness, because I felt I was locked in an unwinnable, all-consuming, terrible struggle about cat litter and chores and stuff.
I cannot say we have it ‘together’ about chores. And indeed, I sort of laugh now because err, with kids chores have this whole other dimension in the way that an iceberg has another dimension underwater.
But I can say that there’s room to be human about it, and pick up, and move on. It’s really lovely.
~~~
On that note, this blog has been really depressing of late. I have not been writing all the good stuff and I’ll try to get doing that. This week’s highlight was: One day it was really sunny and pretty warm and Noah and I went for a walk before dinner. We bumped into one of his school chums, who lives behind us actually. She asked if she could come along and her parents gave the ok, so I walked behind the two of them and we went to the local park and it was just so - neighbourhoody and nice.
Convo:
Noah: See there’s a CREEK! Down there!
L: MY daddy says I can play down there when I am TEN but NOT BEFORE.
Noah: That’s what my daddy says too!!! [and actually, it is] When we are ten we can play there together!
L: Yes! And go over TO THE OTHER SIDE!
Noah: Yes!
Bonus convo:
Noah: You are my best friend, L.
L: Well… you are not my BEST friend Noah. But you are one-of-my-very-good-friends
Noah: That’s good too!
Ah, four.
~~~
My dad is doing ok. So is Noah.
* I know, this contributes to my to-do list and jarred sauce is just fine. But that was something I wanted to do, mostly because I saw someone do it on YouTube.
Burnt.
Spent yesterday afternoon in hospital again - on a cardiac ward with my dad. He’s going to be fine once they figure out what’s wrong with him. (They actually did an angioplasty, but it’s “not the plumbing, might be the electric.”) I rushed down from work in the afternoon. It was very stressful. Hence I had to get up to work at 4 this am. Just to prove that I Care. Also so I can leave later today.
If I never have to be in a hospital again, it will be too soon. If I strangely receive eleventy billion dollars I am setting up a fund for people to get time off AFTER the crisis is over.
Today is Emily’s 6th birthday, except of course, she’s dead.
The news yesterday was ALL ABOUT Isaiah’s parents making the same decision. Every time I walked past a television (in the HOSPITAL) this story was on. WTF universe?
We’re supposed to be leaving for the Briars which I DESPERATELY NEED but this thing with my dad…at least the Briars is only about an hr out of town. It was originally chosen for its proximity to my obstetrician of the time, so. I think we are leaving. In a few hours.
My assistant at work quit (for greener pastures) and in the traditional of the Common Media Era we’re in, no replacement is forecast. Which means work hell. I should be grateful to have a job, esp. one which permits the odd trip to the Briars, and generally I am. But this wrinkle is going to be a hard one and going away in the middle of it, when she was going to handle stuff, is not happymaking.
Noah is the best thing ever. First, he is recovering. Hurrah for children who survive! Second, he is just a great age (well…every age is great). Yesterday he was planning his activities for the Briars and planning to say “goodbye!!!!” to his friends. We explained we are not moving there, just going for 5 days. And that then he has a bit of time off for March break. But then he goes back to school. His response?
“Harsh! [proper teen tone in that one] That sucks! - Right mummy?”
Hee.
A little crow
Y’all know I don’t cross link between my real name and this blog and I much prefer to keep them fairly separate. But I accept that one day someone may blow that out of the water and there will be a big ripple effect. Hopefully today is not that day, although I am going to make a minor little self-promotional peep.
If one were to read the NY Times Motherlode blog today one might find a guest blog there that has details that sound awfully like my life. :) Well it’s not a /journalistic/ credit or even a true op-ed but it is still the NY Times. Woo hoo.