Deeply happy cyclist
Today was one of those days that you just live for. Until the end.
Rouge-beach
Carl worked yesterday but not today, and we started the day with a 2.5 hour round-trip bike ride. Since getting our bikes not only has Carl biked Noah to school the vast majority of the time, but we’ve been getting out as a family.
And whoa, did we ever pick the right place to live. We go up from our street into a sort of industrial-ish area (deserted on weekends) and then back down to the lake and suddenly we’re on a trail lakeside with amazing views. Take that as far as it goes, go down another quiet street and you end up in a park/conservation area that goes way out east beyond Toronto and into Pickering.
It’s gorgeous. Wind off the lake, nature, beaches, bike paths. Last week we saw a wedge (according to Oxford but I would say a flock) of SWANS. The first ride I saw a hawk.
Today was slated to be hot so we went early and got back about 11:15. Then we all did chores amiably (with a break for lunch) until suppertime and then hit a quasi-local Chinese-Canadian place for dinner so as to not have dinner + dishes barrelling down upon us.
I can’t believe how great it is to bike as a family. It’s exactly what we all needed, I think.
~~~
I may not have mentioned it but I’ve been trying Weight Watchers. I reached my goal weight Thursday - the official one. That means 28 lbs lost since February, and a change from being about a solid size 14 (on a 5′8″ frame) to a 10 most places with the occasional 8. It also puts me under the weight I was at when I got pregnant with Emily.
I’m actually aiming for 5-10 lbs below that point, since it’s been pretty stress-free for the most part and I would like to be in the middle of the BMI healthy range and not closer towards the top.
But I do feel better. I look better. I hate being shallow about all this but - I’m the exact same person, but with a sense that I can affect my physical destiny. It’s made a world of difference for me; or maybe it’s the way I’ve been feeling that’s made it possible. I don’t know but I think it would be fair to say I’m not depressed any more, if I was.
~~~
Nothing, nothing was good about Noah’s appendicitis and God (for lack of a more agnostic term) does not teach lessons by making small kids suffer. (At least not a God I want to spend eternity with.)
However I do think that there has been some positive taken from the experience in that when they wheeled Noah away from me to do the surgery, I honestly thought he would die. I may or may not have described this but I still have the visceral memory of what happened to my body - aided by lack of food, drink, and sleep for sure - which is that we just came to The End. Could not breathe. Had a headache to outdo all headaches. Could barely walk or speak. Basically the end of the world was nigh and we were quite literally on the floor.
And yet, he lived. He is thriving right now. He’s healthy and getting so strong again. Doctors helped him. We all made it. I think this in itself brought the merest sliver of hope back. Although mainly I must say we try to run lean when it comes to a happy future, still.
But today was great.
~~~
Sadly at the end of the day I had a call from some scammer where they said my alarm system was going off. I unfortunately said “we don’t have one,” and since they had my address…I’m a bit worried that we might be in for a robbery. On the plus side, I guess, we have very little worth stealing; even my computer is well over 5 years old. Although PLEASE DO NOT TAKE MY COMPUTER because augh.
It’s made me wary and it’s hard to sleep. Despite the 2 hrs of bike riding (half hour on the beach :)).
Reluctant beauty editor
I think I’ve concluded that I’m going to talk about my work a little bit even if it Dooces me ultimately. I don’t want it to ’cause I really am learning and largely enjoying my job; it was absolutely the right choice for me. But it’s such a big part of my life right now that being very prudent is not working for me. And I don’t love it that much that I am content to continue to post inane things for the next 5 years. So here goes on the new balance attempt.
I lost my assistant due to a combination of her resigning for a better position and a seizure of the opportunity to attempt to balance the budget. I had been passing a lot of the fashion and beauty (F&B) stuff to her for two reasons:
1. She was really into that stuff and had experience with it and so she loved it and was good at it. She also enjoyed the goodies you have to try out in order to understand them. (Swag, but purposeful swag - a sample of a face mask not so that you will be bribed but so you know how it feels, smells, etc.)
2. I have been a nerdy/geeky type all my life and was raised largely in my parents’ hippy phase. In grade school this meant wearing 5-year-old hand-me-downs (bell bottoms long past when they were out) and the inevitable blue eyeshadow disasters and being picked on daily. In grade 6 the class had a full afternoon meeting without me to discuss why they should not be holding me down in the bathroom and flushing my underwear down the toilet. (Yah. Sigh.)
3. In adolescence I pretty much missed a lot of the “girl knowledge” that you’re supposed to get. Partly this was due to having taken on the “uncool and don’t care” identity (more on this in a later post). Partly this was due to living way more in my head than in my body. And I went to a school where this was okay. I did learn some things at camp (like don’t shave your goosebumps off :)). But generally I would put my makeup & fashion knowledge at about a C-. I could scrape by, and look okay for meetings and things, but no one would mistake me for being on trend or well made up. (My mother did not help. Not sure why.)
4. I also am pretty cheap about these things. The idea of spending money on makeup and even clothing over say books, music, plants for the garden, pillows for the bedroom and travel, is not happy-making.
Oddly enough, though, when we went through that initial round of multiplicity and therapy and coming out to ourselves, ‘my’ (the system’s) work on appearance took a pretty big leap forward. To reconstruct it I think what happened was that in everyone’s drive to self-define on the outside and in our body, we had a kind of energy to go out and learn new stuff.
Like that you can get your eyebrows (and other facial hair, if you have some, like I do) waxed. And while you’re doing that, if you do it at the right place, you can also get to “try the new colours” which is also a makeup application lesson. And in fact you can get free makeup lessons whenever you like if you’re willing to sit through a sales pitch.
And then you can read fashion magazines too. This last was a stretch for me because I had spent so much time defining myself as someone who doesn’t read fashion magazines. But in fact, they are not pure evil. (Another post on this later too.)
Anyways, I learned enough to pass as a lay person, which got me through the interview and into my job and provided a base for managing my site’s F&B area. But my method of managing it has largely been delegation up until now.
And now I have no one to delegate to.
I’m lucky in that I have spent time developing relationships with people around me on my print team and in general so that I have people to consult. And I have been paying attention, so I know way more than I did 2 years ago.
But now I have to do more of this piece that I had outsourced which is going to beauty & fashion events (we could call them “information sourcing sessions” although they are presented as more fun, but they are work). And then, of course, turning those into useful and credible information. Ha ha.
Today I am talking about events and my attempt at Zen.
Events mean sitting in a room with a bunch of really knowledgeable people who all look great and know which products to use for every occasion, flaw, and moment, and trying to learn this stuff.
And lest you think this stuff is simple, it is not.
I will save the debate on whether it is shallow in life meaning. But it is not simple. You need to understand a good slice of biology and chemistry on a pragmatic level to even start to understand what they are talking about and whether it’s marketing-speak or something interesting going on, and whether something’s appropriate for whatever kind of face you are talking about.
On top of that you need to understand the evolution of products and the names of the designers and manufacturers and owners and celebrities and which products are high and low end and and and. And then on top of that you have to understand the trends, which change 3-4 times a year, and how this relates to fashion.
And then there are other considerations like representing everyone fairly.
So there’s just a certain amount of complexity inherent in the process. But on top of that I continually walk into these things and have this intense emotional reaction that…the beauty editors are going to drag me into the bathroom and flush my pants down the toilet. Y’know?
I feel like an imposter.
And that particular role is especially hard for me, Formerly Gifted Child(tm) in that I have relied in the past on my information. Like I might not be the coolest kid on the block, but at least I can tell you how to get to the bus stop. But you can’t read for a few weeks and be up on all this stuff. I am learning, but my lack of native interest and years of lack of interest shines through loud and clear.
No, I don’t remember the year that nail polish shade was impossible to find and does that compare to this year’s Chanel rush. (Let’s be honest: I had no idea there could ever be rushes on colours of nail polish, unless you mean “the last non-garish colour in the 99 cent discount bin at the drugstore.”)
I have at least learned not to fake it. If you don’t know, you don’t know. Better to say so and let someone explain it to you than be standing there pretending that you have a clue only to be caught out eventually. The fact is that my ignorance may even be an editorial advantage for a certain kind of reader who — like me — doesn’t know all this stuff.
But that doesn’t prevent me from feeling this shaft of vulnerability and upset every time I have to deal with this entire world in which I am a stranger.
Anyways, here is the point of this whole post which is that yesterday I was at an event and all in knots about it inside and freaking out about my hair when I suddenly had this moment.
Of zen.
And it was that my attachment to looking good in a meeting - saving face - pride - is what has been causing my personal suffering and dread. It’s all me doing it to myself. Even if the other editors were keeping score - and I think they do a bit because it’s their job to notice, the same way I notice particular things about people - and they may even be cattily judging me (jury’s out on that one) - really that’s about them. It’s not about me.
The fact is, it’s my job to be there and learn, get the info, and curate it, and doing that for me involves a serious learning curve that will take some years to come. It is also my job to behave in a professional way.
But that’s it.
It is not my job to rewrite my past or wear the right shade of toenail polish or fit in with the cool kids (beyond being professional) or be glamourous on the red carpet. It’s truly not. My sense of failure at not doing that is just that - mine. Mine mine mine. And I can choose to let it go. Not that I won’t still feel that way, but I can allow it to be a fleeting feeling.
I feel like I’m maturing a bit. In this one area at least.
Filed from Aruba
This is almost a week late because there were only 6 ppl on the press trip. But hey, if you figure out who I am, just don’t tell, man!
Jessika: Ha, good suggestion, except press trips are totally not child-friendly. “Who’s up for the research on the sex tourism article!” (Not quite that bad. But not far off.)
I made it…I thought long and hard about it and decided it would be relatively safe if not entirely comfortable for Noah to stay with my parents briefly. At about 10 pm Tuesday, that is 5 hrs before I had to leave for the airport for my hellish early flight, Carl was unsequestered, so Noah spent a few hrs at my my parents’ that morning before school and then Carl picked him up. I did leave. If I had not know the cavalry was arriving I’m not sure what would have happened.
Please forgive any misspellings; I haven’t had more than 5 hrs of sleep any night this week and I have been out in the sun all morning, drinking and eating all night, and then catching up on work in the wee hrs.
Aruba…is beautiful and I’ll save most of the words for the actual stories. However here are three things I didn’t know about Aruba:
- it’s actually kind of a desert, especially on the northern side, and this has made it poor but resourceful; with it being sort of part of the Netherlands (although mostly independent since 1986) it’s also sort of - orderly.
- the tourism industry is built based on 85% of visitors coming from ye olde U.S.A. which means it is full of people who have sort of made it their mission in life to understand what Americans want and give it to them, nicely (no Canadian attitude). The best I can describe it is Aruba is “the fun aunt” - they let you get away with murder and supply free booze, but they also make sure you don’t drown from your own idiocy. (Sorry Americans. But today I saw a mother of the bride — so understood as her husband was wearing a shirt that not only said “father of the bride” on the front, but which on the back said “the bank of
- it is perfect for people who want to try an island without freaking about the water, because it is really quite Dutch in some ways (not in others) and everything is very clean, and everyone continually explains to you (or at least to the press) just how clean it is. I have been drinking the water since I landed, since I was accosted with a glass and the discussion. I have eaten salad and fruit. I have barely seen any bugs.
As far as PR trips go this one has been a good one; there’s been more free time than usual. Mind you this is a relative thing. In three days I have driven a Land Rover, visited 5 sites, visited a shopping district, had tours of the resort, gone to the casino, snorkelled in three places, eaten at too many places, gone to the obligatory “bar full of locals” (this one actually did) and had a spa treatment. I am not complaining AT ALL, but it is a totally different world.
On the plus side, I am learning to hold my own in some ways. I’m okay. I have decent clothes. I’m not stupid. I kind of know how to network and smile and the right things to say and when to tip and when to take pictures and to just ASK THE QUESTION because that is the point.
On the negative side, I’ll never be one of the cool kids. No, I was not on the Inca Trail trip and no, I have never had dengue fever. Nor do I have an opinion on [insert area in India/Thailand/Indonesia]. And yes, I’m married. And no, I don’t want a 4th cocktail. Or a 3rd. Actually I sort of wish I hadn’t had the first.
But it’s been a great group and really, really well organized. I will be glad to get home ’cause I miss Noah, but this is a pretty fun fantasy life.
Not so fun…sigh
Carl is sequestered.
I leave for Aruba (or pay for the flights) early Wed morning.
Eeek. Sigh.
Major. Fun.
This is the week! of! fun! apparently.
Let me back up.
Carl and I (but Carl even more so due to his work routine) have been major slugs for oh, 3 years. Adjusting to having to drive to work, two working parents, the changing needs of a tot - frankly, a lot of it has been just sink or swim and not a lot of time for what’s good for us. Well, there would have been time had we prioritized exercise but did we? No, we did not. Not really. Getting outside with Noah, yes.
Anyways, a few weeks ago Noah wanted to spend time at my parents’ and I could not hack being there the whole time so I said to Carl maybe we could hang out and have sort of a date. During that discussion we found out we’d both been thinking about a Trail-a-Bike type thing (the one we got cost $99) (this is the third wheel/second seat that hooks onto a regular bike so that your younger kid can ride tandem with you, with his own pedals and chain).
It was delicate on my end because - I hadn’t ridden a bike much since I broke my wrist on one in…1995. Yeah. But Carl had been prescribed biking as a part of his torn ACL rehab and last year we invested in a pretty nice bike for him. And Noah’s daycare is a ten minute drive/20-30 minute bike ride away; granted there is some traffic in between but it’s not (mostly) too bad. But you know, it’s sort of icky to say to your spouse “hey, you should do this.”
But…Carl LOVES getting places in the open air. He used to rollerblade 45 km round trip to work and back.
The risks did occur to me before I brought it up (Carl brought it up simultaneously; it’s Marriage Brain!) God knows it’s scary sending your kid off on a bike. But there are risks in not biking too, and walking an hour round trip is not really in the cards.
Anyways, long story short, we bought the trail bike attachment and except for when he’s been on jury duty, Carl’s been taking Noah to daycare on it and occasionally picking him up that way too. It gives Carl a big round trip and Noah loves it. He LOVES IT. And yuppie me, I love that he is learning that you can get to school on a bike.
He loves it so much…that I bought a bike for myself this weekend too. I went to Toys R Us and got a Skelanimals women’s bike, so shoot me. (It’s 7 speed and a cruiser. It has fenders and a chain guard. It is in no way a serious bike. The system LOVES IT. It is the bike we were not allowed to buy in our youth.)
Anyways that was yesterday and it turned out my helmet cracked when I broke my wrist, or perhaps in the MORE THAN A DECADE in between, so today I got a helmet. And we went for our first family bike ride. We live near many trails…many hills too, but seriously, we go the right way and we can get to a lakeshore trail that goes way out; go the other way and walk down a huge trail and you can go the other way into the city, almost (not quite).
Today we just tooled about the neighbourhood but it was SO MUCH FUN. I thought I would be panicked the whole time watching Carl and Noah on their bike. But no, it was ok.
But wait!
Wednesday early early early I fly to Aruba for a 4 day press trip and get back laaaaaaate Saturday night in time for - Mother’s Day.
So this is like, a banner week.
I really feel like I’m finding myself again. Being active is so much a part of that. Still not really hitting the gym but I have been using resistance bands and a 5 lb weight ball at home.