Struggling at work
I’m still really struggling at work. I can’t quite figure out where the deeper issue is - whether it’s me or the structure around me. I end up spinning my wheels sometimes because I’m the decision maker and I can’t decide. It’s also just plain hard to be indoors right now.
But I end up feeling a lot like “you suck.” That internal script is strong. Not to get all Oprah-esque about it but sometimes I am my own worst enemy.
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The novel is going slow and the deadline looms. Sometimes I wonder if I really do want to be a writer. Sometimes I think I would do better in a more reactive sort of job - like in medicine, where patients show up and you deal with them, as opposed to where you need to be a self-starter. But at 39, it seems like the wrong time to be asking myself this question.
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And yes I’m so glad David Besmozgis made it to the top 40 authors under 40 list in the New Yorker but I’m also a bit envious. Not that I have written anything like he has. Just sheer silly envy.
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However I was at a gala award thing last night and I have to shallowly admit that these things are a bit more fun (in the short term; this will wear off) while hovering between a size 8-10 as opposed to a solid 14. Mostly because I put a belt on with a skirt and fancy top and the effect was slimming. I wish I’d gotten pics but I was shooting others and forgot to ask anyone to point the camera my way. Next time!
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Today is clean-up day as we are having a visitor from out of town next week of the picky sort, and so there are a few areas to tackle. But I don’t want to.
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