I got ranty on a multiplicity community and thought I’d share some love here. Also I’m elated because I finally got the Google Maps out to the parents of the kids who are coming to Noah’s birthday party next week, a task on which I’d been procrastinating for err… 2 weeks. I can’t even explain why.
So here’s what’s surprised me the most about parenting as a multiple system.
1. The amount of parenting-related drama has been really, really low. I credit the therapy we did mostly for this, combined with losing Emily and the trauma of her birth. (Note: Not saying this was a lesson from the universe. Universes do not send message via dead baby.) Although there has been parenting chatter within the system (Lynn makes remarks she thinks she would like to make, but wouldn’t) really…it’s been smooth.
I don’t know why and if I did I would write a book about it. But it’s the most holistic thing we’ve ever done. Ever.
2. It’s surprised me how much we’ve been able to retain about ourselves, except for having a home where Carl refers to us by name. We have decided not to talk to Noah about the system for a good long time because we believe it’s unnecessary and might make him feel less secure.
But it hasn’t stopped people being themselves. And Noah has learned (subconsciously I presume) how to game the system a bit. I’ve noticed that when he wants boisterous play he starts by inviting a (Nerf) sword fight, which always gets the warriors engaged. And when he wants information he asks to go to the library – which makes logical sense, but it’s also JJ who takes him there and she’s really good at explaining shit. And I don’t think it’s quite so Noah-driven, but he and Lyr cook together and play outside.
What surprises me the most though is how close Lynn and Noah are, especially after his appendicitis. Lynn was so able to sit with him in that, totally accepting of his every feeling – anger, fear, sadness, pain. And she was the one who found the roleplaying game he still goes to when he’s processing stuff (it involves a house getting knocked down by the bad guy and getting rebuilt and then knocked down, over and over. Very Jungian stuff.) And they do a lot of musical things together.
I think we’ve struck reasonable balances around being careful with media and that kind of thing, but I also think we’re a little abnormally direct about some things. Like death…Noah knows how Emily died and where her body is and all that; he’s asked over time and been given direct answers.
Most recently, he’s learned how babies are made by reading a book with JJ that is age-appropriate in its illustration and language but also goes into quite a lot of gory detail – “special cuddle” between mummy and daddy, the penis helps the sperm into the vagina, ultrasounds, most babies come out the vagina but some come out with surgery. (It’s Australian.) This fits with the anatomical knowledge his school has imparted (“mummy, arteries carry blood that has lots of oxygen but veins carry blood that needs oxygen”). But it may have been a little over the top and slightly more driven by a need to be right than a need to be a good parent.
And we share a lot of jokes and laughs with each other as a family and when those moments come people do say the odd outrageous things. Like “your mom’s a fairy sometimes” or Noah knows I have a real sword.
As Noah turns 5, he’ll start to become more obsessed with peers and categorization and the way other people do things and I do wonder how this will sort out – and how we can support him.
But for now I feel like it’s gone really, really well. We’re keen to do it again with a different person. And out of everything we’ve done in our lives so far, I have to say that we are most whole (not integrated) doing this.
