Coming out in a small way

My work team is a pretty unusual group of people. We have to be, since we're the online community team - coming up with neat things for our members to do, a little production, a lot of customer service, and pretty much anything else. We are the humanizing part of our website, so we have to be - human. We talk about our interests in the forums to get them active. We engage with people.

One of the reasons that we're good at it is because my boss, S, has a real gift for creating an environment where people can be themselves. You're allowed to have a bad day, or a good day, provided that you don't try to push your day on anyone else. I still think this might be related to the empowering (if difficult) experience of coming out as a lesbian.

So one day after a very confused conversation the day before around sexuality, I decided to tell her that I'm a multiple. My hands shook all day whenever I thought about it, but at the end of the day it ended up being just her and I in the office, so I just said, "well, I felt bad about the conversation yesterday because I'm a multiple and some of my personalities are lesbian." Of course I was internally slammed for the "my personalities" bit later, but at the time it seemed a good way to word it.

She took it pretty well. She had a lot of questions - the first being was all the member information I have access to safe, which was an excellent question. The answer is of course yes, but I was so glad she asked it.

Right after coming out to my boss, I went through a period of real anxiety about having to prove that I was more-sane-than-thou. I felt like I was not only having to prove that I was still capable and reliable, but also that I was some kind of a poster child who now had public relations for all multiples on her shoulders. Not only was this stressful, but it came close to producing the opposite effect. Not taking time off when I was really sick, just to prove that I didn't expect extra time off, was stupid.

But it started to pay off in other ways. Shandra started to take an interest in work. I don't think the interest she took was related. But S, armed with her new knowledge, seemed to be able to catch Shandra at it. I was able to spend less time worrying about Shandra making me look inconsistent by being - expressive of things she would like to change - at meetings and more time just plain working.

I also feel like I have solid ground under me. My energy goes into the work that I want to do and do well instead of ensuring that everything is consistent. Those of us who want to be at work can bring all the strengths to bear and not worry in case one of them is missing the next time. The more myself I am, the better I am at my job.

Also, around this time one of my coworkers started to talk about someone she knew that was a multiple. I didn't want to ask her not to talk about it, but I was increasingly uncomfortable having these conversations as a stealth-multiple. So finally one day I just told her too. Soon after that we both had to fly out east for a conference. I was worried she would be worried to go with me, but it didn't turn out that way. It was a pretty intense weekend, as she had lots of questions, and I found myself answering them and even going further to offer information. It was nice to be able to be honest. It's amazing how having to maintain a façade keeps me from being able to really do what I would like to do - like share my experience.

None of this has changed things as much as I thought such a huge deep revelation would. There was none of the freaking out and "no you're not!" stuff as there was on PernMUSH. I've thought a lot about why that might be but I haven't come up with anything. I think it's most likely because these two people are pretty accepting and open. But there could be other reasons. Maybe because it was just one person, me, that revealed it. Or maybe because there's only one body and one job, it's easier to take it as information and not a threat to everyone else's jobs. Maybe it's a part of the whole 'if you were a goldrider and wizard we'll never listen to your needs again' thing. Or, just possibly, the people on PernMUSH that reacted so badly were just people reacting badly.

The changes that have happened have made me uncomfortable at times, like any change does. I think I've caught my boss and coworker playing 'spot Shandra' at work - they don't run a hundred percent right but they're pretty good at it. Sometimes I think they're getting the idea that they know everyone, which is so far from the truth it makes me nervous. Sometimes I feel like it's a bit of an in joke - or rather, I'm the joke. But not very often. And there are some pluses.

At one point when Shan had spent a good half day ranting, S asked me to mention to "that boss personality" that she was the boss - which Shan picked up on and settled down. It was neat because - well - S is a cool manager who manages people differently based on their needs. And she's extended these abilities to managing me and Shandra slightly differently, which works very, very well.