5 months out of the closet, at work anyway

So I told.

My boss and I were having a discussion one day, shortly after my probationary period ended, to do with lesbian rights and Lynn started talking to her. My gut reaction was to shut Lynn up, and what it took to do that was jumping into the conversation and ending it abruptly.

The next day it occured to me that my boss would think that I was being abrupt with her, which made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. The last thing I want to do is get so enmeshed in my issues that I'm rude to someone else about things that upset me. So as the day progressed I decided to throw my chances to fate, of a sort. If my boss and I ended up at work together alone at the end of the day I would mention to her that I'm a multiple. If not, then I would think about it some more. Of course this sparked a lot of internal debate and fear, but not so much that I felt muzzled.

So sure enough at the end of the day the fates aligned everyone in the right position and I had time and privacy to mention it to my boss. It went really well - I practically floated home. Of course she was a bit worried. Could I still be trusted with confidential information? (that was a good pragmatic first question), do I hear voices, etc. etc. But overall she was accepting and what was more - I was free.

Freedom is nice.

So far it's had its ups and downs. Wow, I want to write this essay but I'm having trouble focusing and getting past people. So here it is in brief, more journal style:

Good: I have been able to have more genuine interactions with people from time to time. I let a coworker know as well, so that makes about half the office clued in, and so in ICQ and things I can occasionally say what I'm really thinking like 'thanks for the video loan, although I don't remember the ending, I know it was enjoyed.' And in the middle of a pitched battle between Shandra and myself I was able to let my boss know it was a rough time.

When Shandra decided to get involved at work, she really took over. It was apparently fairly obvious once it could be placed in the context of multiplicity. (Normally I think people would have considered it moody or unstable in a different way.) So my boss took me aside one day and said, hey, tell that boss personality of yours that I'm the boss. That's not something I would have taken well myself since I know who's the boss. But Shandra got it and respected it. Huh. (Gee, my boss is a good manager who can manage different people differently. Eek.) I have noticed a slight tendency of people at work to play "who's out" with me, but that's okay. If they want to think every time I'm grumpy it's Shandra, I'm content to have her take the blame. *grin*

Bad: I have felt that I have to be more competent because of coming out, like I'm representing the entire "cause" of multiples and survivors and I'd better do everything really, really well. That's kind of odd. I've gone in late once when I should have stayed home (and normally would have had flu or something). And when I covered for my boss for three days I was so obsessed with being normal that I shut down a lot of abilities - my own and others'. So I performed worse.

It is a bit scary to realize how little interaction I have that is actually genuine, in the sense of not just picking out the 'normal' or 'clearly just me' bits of my days. And it's also scary to find out just how many mechanisms there are to hide the system. Even having told, we all still front as a single person just as much. Or almost just as much.