How can you lose time?

I wish I knew. Actually I wish I knew what it was like not to lose time. For me, time has never really lived up to its reputation as a linear thing. It's been a relief to have an explanation for the gaps, in a way.

The standard example of dissociation is driving on autopilot. You know how sometimes you'll be thinking about something else, and drive from A to C without really paying much attention in between.

That's kind of what it's like, and kind of not. Sometimes (now that I'm paying attention) I can feel my interest kind of drift off and then, wham, it's several hours later and I have no real idea what was going on (but I can usually remember enough to sketch it in). Sometimes it's more sudden, like the lights went off, and then they went back on and everything changed. Those are the truly scary times because I just plain have no idea what happened.

In the past I believe things operated really differently, but I wasn't there for them. I don't remember back before a few years ago, and that is the biggest, hugest, loss of time ever but... it doesn't bother me because that's how it's always been, for me.

What triggers a present day loss of time is hard to say. I sense there are sort of three reasons which I think of as pull, push, and crisis. Pull is when something external might be interesting to one of the members of the system who is not me, so I invite them to come see. Or, say I want to do something graphical at work and I think someone else might do a better job. I have some control over this, although I don't always have control for how it actually ends. This only works when things are feeling relaxed and safe for both me and the person. Mostly during these times I remain co-conscious, so it's like me watching/listening to me do things, and if I feel something needs to change, I can step in.

Push is when someone else seizes executive control for reasons known mostly to them. For example, the time Lyria realized someone I was talking to was someone from the game and practically went over the table in my body. Or, when my manuscripts have been destroyed for being too true. If I feel this happening, sometimes I can kind of slam the door shut, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I'm aware of what's happened, and sometimes I'm completely shut out.

Crisis is decidedly the worst. This is when something triggers a part of the system designed to deal with trauma, and then a real time warp opens up. For me, none of it happens. When the world flashes back open for me, usually something really bad has happened. I'm trying to think of an example I care to have up on a website. Oh, here's one, one time I was out at a concert with Carl. I usually hear about the first 5 minutes of a concert (I always thought time went by so fast at those things!) and then get pushed back. So I guess that happened but for me, I was at a concert with Carl, and then I was at home alone, tear stained and with a sore throat from screaming, and I had no idea what happened. As it turns out, I guess something spooked Lynn right after the concert and she just took off (luckily for my home and not, say, some home from 15 years ago). Poor Carl didn't even know she'd left and had security go in the bathrooms and everything. I have no idea what happened in between, exactly, except that from the amount of time that passed (only a couple of hours) she probably came home and screamed and cried.

You can imagine what a mess that kind of thing is though. It was a rough weekend for Carl and I and I still get shivers about it.

In the past there were no explanations for these things. Well, there was no pull, because I never invited anyone to come see things. For the push category - well - how do you explain to yourself that you got up on a table and danced, but you wouldn't do that and you in fact never did decide to do it (and really only can be sure you did because you remember getting down from the table red-faced). It was at one point a relief to drink because at least that would explain why things happened I couldn't remember doing.

For the crisis ones, well, I hate to say it but quite often the system would blame whoever was closest (I'm curled up crying in the closet, so you must have done something to me because otherwise the universe makes no sense).

I heard a funny story about another multiple that really sums it up for me. This person had people who smoked and people who didn't, and there was one who didn't in particular who just hated cigarette smoke. So this multiple's poor roomate would watch her roomate smoke, and then watch her roomate yell at her (the non-multiple) for smoking AGAIN when she knew that the multiple couldn't STAND smoke.

I have been the (metaphorical) non-smoking one and I would have had to come to the same conclusion! Cigarette smoke in the apartment, and I don't smoke, so who else would? All the milk is gone so you must have finished it! Would you please stop messing up all my things!