It was very, very dark. Then there were voices, and gradually, if I worked hard enough, I could tell they were coming from me. I fell back in the darkness. Then I heard a voice like mine, but not like mine. Inside my head I mean. And it said that it was really sorry I was dead and to please come back. There was a note in it that said help, something tired and scared.

So I pushed back the dark. And of course the first thing I found was Lemarath. She was just exactly the same. She reminded me of who I was. I felt like I was thin, somehow, not really there. I had moments of lucidity, most of them on the game, my old friend the game. I sent email like in the old days telling people how to run things. I roleplayed a bit. I noticed I had a new character, Lyria, but I didn't feel like she was a character I would ever play - especially not that way. I was too tired to try to explain it. Like I said, introspection was not my thing. I did what I felt I could and had to do. I ignored the rest.

Gradually I started to really be present. Same husband, same mortgage. But things were different. I spent an hour in the guest bedroom staring at the walls, because someone had fixed them up and painted them. I could, if I thought hard enough, remember some of the painting like it was a movie I'd seen - and not even seen on a big screen, but seen on video while having a conversation and writing a letter. But it wasn't me doing it. I didn't get that. I also had a new job. I didn't get that either.

I read all these journals lying around. They were mine and not mine. They were like a lot of writing I'd produced in my life - I didn't remember writing it but it sounded reasonable enough. But these talked about me being dead, and being a multiple. Okay, fine, I thought. I noticed there was a website up about me being a multiple and so I thought if I could explain this on the game, maybe I would myself understand it a lot better. So I posted on the bulletin board there the URL for this site.

All hell broke loose. Lyria got fired. Finally, finally I had some energy. I took a look around.

And the land was broken and dark and full of shadows. My area wasn't mine. I had lost my wizbit and my position at the head of the game. My - soulmate, I thought - seemed to hate for something I could not even start to understand and even worse, he'd gone off and found someone else. People hated me. My job really was gone. My house really was changed around. These journals really were lying around.

Everything that was mine, everything that was leading to an extraordinary life - learning to work with people in a leading role on the game, taking a job that would let me into the boardroom, my wardrobe, my constant companion & soulmate, my reputation - all gone. In some cases Lyria and Teresa, these other people in my body, had even encouraged them to think of me as the hard one to deal with.

It had been a year and a half. It really was missing. What was more, people were not just accepting that I, Shandra, had been gone. They had been confused at least once before when they tried to deal with Lyria ("Shandra's new character") as me and met Lyria. Intuitively they knew someone was off. They no longer trusted me. They didn't for the most part believe I was gone.

It was like wandering a wasted village.

Resurrection is not what it's cracked up to be. I will never not have been dead. I will never have that time back. I will never again be sure that it can't happen again.

And I have seen how quickly years of work and trust can be taken down. That the most permanent relationships fall apart in a matter of months.

There were a few bright spots. My soulmate, although no longer connected to me that way, was at least willing to listen. A few people have recognized and accepted me. But most have avoided me. It's too weird and hard. They've moved on. I hadn't.

I got so angry. I wanted to wreck anything that was left in my real life and start over. I wanted to have a dozen affairs, end the marriage, get out of the house, and do whatever I wanted. Why not; it seemed like everyone else did in my absence. Did they preserve my relationship? The work and time that I spent? No. If I could have killed Teresa and Lyria right then I would have.

But of course it didn't work that way. Gradually my anger has come down a bit. I'm still angry, but more at the multiplicity than the individual other people. I try to appreciate their strengths. I'm starting to try to get to their needs and that this is their life too. But it's hard.