Yeah, so people say I have trust issues.

No fucking kidding.

Let's review what in recent history would cause me to trust anything. I don't seem to have my own life under control. Time jumped by a year and a half when I wasn't looking. The guy that I did trust found someone else pretty damn fast (nice for him, but sucks for me). Not only that but I did some shitty things. I did enter into a marriage, serious shit, without taking it seriously. I've thought people were nuts for telling me I wasn't acting normal, and it turns out that they just knew someone else from the system.

I thought I knew who I was, and it turns out I'm someone entirely different. Or at least, "I" am not who the world sees as me. And let's not get into the voices in my head that I can at times hear.

So yeah, I have some trust issues there.

But these go way back. I have always had a sense that I had to be on guard. Now I know why: there are people in my system in need of protection. Why? Because people did try to kill them, hurt them, and generally fuck with them. As small kids.

Not to mention being raped myself, and another guy trying it.

So yeah, I have trust issues. I'm starting to be proud of my goddamn trust issues. My trust issues make me ready and able to get out of situations where trusting people end up hurt, or worse.

But there is a problem.

I mentioned this husband guy. Now he's a good one. Like I said, I married him. I don't marry people that are shits.

But now that I know who I am (in vague general terms anyway) I don't know which way to jump. Should I stay out of the marriage, emotionally I mean, so that I can pick up the pieces? Let's face it, multiples don't generally have good track records for long term relationships.

Or, should I back down a bit and see if I can trust this guy. Argh, trust. It's hard. I have dinner with him a few times a week. I hang out with him. He's nice and good looking and smart. He's great in bed. I get fuzzy warm feelings for him after sex, and sometimes, even worse, before sex.

I dunno. I have trust issues. I just don't know what's the issue: occasionally screwing up and trusting someone or something, or not letting my guard down and missing out on shit.

Time will tell, I guess.